Jul 12, 2012
And I will sing forever - Jesus, I love you
Finally got baptised on 30th June, together with four of my cell group mates. I first went to Sunday School when I was four and stopped going after P6. When I stepped into City Harvest in 2008, I realised I had never really been a Christian. Although I had been calling myself one, I was really just praying to the walls; I didn't know anything about the Bible; I never let God be my guide; He was never really in my life. Slowly, I learnt about God, and fell in love with Him. I was really on fire for Him at one point. I'd fast for various things, and read the Bible during recess.
Then I broke up with my ex, and then I became really angry at everything. At one point I remember feeling helplessly trapped. God was everywhere, watching my every move. There was no way I could escape Him. I couldn't even escape in death; in fact, I would have to face Him then. What could I do to get away from this all-dictating, all-powerful God?
Other times I was a Christian who was very critical inside. I kept doubting and questioning. I knew Jesus was real. My cell group mates felt Him at church services, falling under His power, tearing in worship. But what about me? Why couldn't I feel Him? What did I have to do before He'd let me see Him? I remember wishing I could just brainwash myself. Accept everything without question; be a Christian who accepted everything with faith. Faith seemed blind.
But slowly, I began to realise that my questioning heart wasn't meant to separate me from Him. As I questioned, I sought answers. Faith became something grounded in logic. Something strong, not shallow. With every time I questioned and found, my roots grew that bit deeper into the solid earth. I'm glad I didn't fight the questions and force myself to be brainwashed. I'm glad I question. It is then that you find the truth.
Because I'm only being baptised after almost four years of truly being in the faith, it means so much more than repenting and accepting Jesus as my Saviour. With my baptism, I am declaring that I will dedicate my life to following Him. Perhaps that's why I wasn't ready to do it all this while. To me, it was a big declaration. What if I slide back when I'm older? I didn't want to commit myself to something and abandon it; what was the point of it, then?
But I'm ready now. I know there's nothing more I want than to hold on to Him the rest of my days. Even when I feel away from Him, there's no way I can deny His existence and love. Nothing compares to personal experiences, to the way He touches your heart, to the little beautiful miracles and the peace that overwhelms. With His grace, I will strive to make myself His lighthouse, being His representative on Earth. I will falter. I continue to fall, but my weaknesses are God's greatest opportunities, and He can turn the worst things around for His good use.
(This post is too long. Shall divide it into two.)