whose open hands were nailed for me
No more moping. No more heartache, no more hoping. I shouldn't hope. Jason reminded us during cell group that relationships shouldn't even be considered if you know you're not mature and strong enough because the hurt that comes with the breakup is horrible. Jason knows. He was there when I cried in desperation and fear, when I wondered if I'd survive the Prelims and O Levels, when my ex threatened suicide. Jason (and Sumay) was there to strengthen me when I almost went back into the relationship because I couldn't stand the hurt. He reminded me to be strong, that I had to let go and never look back. It was a crazy time.
Yes, God's doing His good work in me and it will only be finished when I arrive at Heaven's gates. God will give me strength. Humans falter but I will learn to rise up when I stumble.
In my weaknesses I am made strong.
No more moping. No more heartache, no more hoping. I shouldn't hope. Jason reminded us during cell group that relationships shouldn't even be considered if you know you're not mature and strong enough because the hurt that comes with the breakup is horrible. Jason knows. He was there when I cried in desperation and fear, when I wondered if I'd survive the Prelims and O Levels, when my ex threatened suicide. Jason (and Sumay) was there to strengthen me when I almost went back into the relationship because I couldn't stand the hurt. He reminded me to be strong, that I had to let go and never look back. It was a crazy time.
I remember breaking down in class. I remember being unable to listen to all the songs I had listened to in the previous two years, all the JJ songs and any other slow or Chinese ones. I remember drowning myself in fast emotionless dance tracks.
I remember praying profusely. I remember being angry at not being able to feel God at all. I remember lashing out angrily on my blog, doubting God's existence, knowing it was wrong but being too full of anger to care.
I will not let it all happen again. Dear God, strengthen my heart, help me control myself. Guide this confused girl, blind to the direction You want her to walk in, back on the road to eternity.
And you, thanks for giving me the chance to live a dream. I hope it's enough to carry me through JC life and give me hope. And thanks for not going any further too. You know, the day we were on the stage and you gave me that smile, I was forcing myself to ignore my shyness and smile back, but once I felt your hand on my face.ear.it was too much to bear and I really wanted to hold the gaze but couldn't because my heart was soaring. And then when you took your hand away I wanted to hold it - just give it a little squeeze since it was still somewhere near my shoulder - but was too afraid. And although I spent some time after that regretting the things I didn't do, I'm happy for that now. Maybe if I had, things might have gone a little further... or fallen back altogether, which would result in a lot of sadness. Either way would result in tragedy. As I had said before, uncertainty's the best stage to be in.
I just wanted to let that all out and put it all behind me. From now on, I am a new person.
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