Met Xueling's husband, Jason. He's so friendly, heehee, he's a Physics teacher in St Andrews Sec :O Very chatty, super nice. Made a friend, Xiao Xuan. Super friendly, very nice, heh heh.
I don't know. I realised a lot of things I guess.
I don't know why but everyone was so high and I just.. couldn't get high. I just couldn't. I felt stupid standing there, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know the songs, even though there were lyrics so I could follow them. I didn't feel like a part of anything.
When everyone was jumping along to the songs in praise, I just stood there. When everyone was raising their hands, mine were in my pockets. I just couldn't do it.
I wished I was in the mood, I wished I could, but I know that if I forced myself to raise my hands it would be fake, I wouldn't be true to myself, and my hands wouldn't be lifted in worship but because everyone else's were. I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't let loose, I couldn't praise. The songs were great but I just couldn't raise my hands or sing along or jump along, I just couldn't. I was so ashamed of myself, I was so ashamed that I couldn't. Especially when both Jt and Janice beside me were singing along and raising their hands as well, and Jt was so high in worship. I just couldn't take it.
I didn't feel like I should've been here. I felt like running out, but I couldn't. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know why I was here, with a huge group of people who really worshipped Christ and could feel his love; everyone was so high and worshipping and I was just standing there, feeling embarrassed that I came.
And there was this time where Pastor Zhuang was talking about how His spirit was here and we could all feel the Holy Spirit and everyone started praying out loud and chanting and it got really really noisy when everyone was praying, and I heard someone behind start to say something really fast and loudly in a weird language. Was it Tongues?
And it was evident that everyone could feel it. God's presence, His love, the Spirit.. whatever. I just stood there crying like a mad woman, crying because.. I couldn't feel anything. What was I supposed to feel? Was I supposed to suddenly feel... warm? light? tingly? I don't know what I was supposed to feel, but everyone could feel it except me.
Maybe I'm a very practical person? I've been praying nearly every night for the past, what, 11 years? But I always feel that I'm talking to myself instead of someone else. I feel like I'm trying to reassure myself when I ask for His blessings, or when I'm scared; or that I'm just, like, reflecting, when I talk about how grateful I am to Him. I just don't feel anything. I don't feel His love even though I may have it. I don't feel His presence even though he may be there for me all the time. I just don't feel it. I feel like I'm alone.
And I felt so envious, envious that everyone could raise their hands in worship, envious that everyone had so much to pray for, envious that everyone else could feel His presence, His love, but I didn't know what to feel or how to feel, I just didn't feel anything. Envious that everyone was worshipping but I just couldn't seem to.
Envious that everyone could feel God but I couldn't.
And I cried, I cried like mad, I cried through quite a number of songs. Xiao Xuan passed me a packet of tissues. She must've heard my wailing despite the fact that the band's playing was already super loud. I just cried and cried and cried because I wanted to feel Him so badly, I wanted to know why everyone was worshipping him so intensely, I wanted to know what it felt like to know Him, to be able to communicate with Him. I felt like an idiot standing there, while everyone's eyes were closed and hands were raised and chanting really loudly and fast and a lot of them kept repeating something I didn't understand. I felt like an alien. I felt like I didn't belong.
I didn't want to feel like I didn't belong. I wanted to know God.
And the most important thing I've learnt wasn't the pastor's preaching (although that was super interesting too), but that I was never really a Christian ever. Despite going to Sunday School before my dad stopped me when I was 12, and praying a lot, I don't have a relationship with God. Maybe not at all.
I may have gotten his blessings before, just that I don't know. When I topped the class in overall marks in the first term, when I got rather okay grades this time. When we didn't screw up during the OB In-house concert (even though my outfit was the screwedest ever), when Xueling laoshi chose us to sing for that television show. Every day I feel lucky, most of the time I feel lucky to be alive and to be able to do all the things that I do. I feel really lucky that I've found this love, that it's made me such a happier person, and a lot of other things (I don't want to go off-topic). But then again, this love is already a sin in itself; God couldn't have planned it, right?! Maybe it was all because of him. But then again, I don't know, because I don't know what it would've been like if I didn't believe in Him, right?
I don't know. And I don't know if I can say I'm lucky to have Him in my life. Of course I am, I mean, but I don't feel God the way others do. I don't feel... anything.
I sin everyday. Everytime I say a lie, everytime I put someone down (even if it's just for fun e.g. "You very stupid leh you!" even though I don't mean it), everytime I curse, and every second I'm thinking about you, because our love is already a sin.
Maybe I just don't know how to feel it, but I really really really wish I could be close to God. Yeah, the fact that Jt's taken my bible away and that I can't go to church till I'm 17 doesn't help much, but I really want to be.
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