a high achiever, everything you ever wanted to be. sporty, pretty, slim, intelligent, kind-hearted, humble. a steady woman of faith. she reads and reads. prays up a storm. but her light has dimmed lately. she went for meetings about revival, about the work of God, but she cannot get herself excited about it. things are happening around her but her heart has been dulled. people mistake it for complacency, nonchalance, that she cannot be bothered with the things of God, but it's not her fault, she cannot help the fact that her sponge has become a weight. grey stale water. try as she might she cannot swim out of the murkiness. but she clings to the lifebuoy that will keep her afloat. she will hold on with all her strength.
it was all steady until the pillar of faith came crashing down. distrust: i didn't think you would do that to me. backed out, whimpering. if the journey of faith were a journey at sea, on her boat some dark fugitives have taken refuge: anger, disappointment, envy, hurt, and fear, an insurmountable mass of fear. she flees. she wants to do all that will disregard God. she toys with the desires in her mind. but try as she might she cannot shake off her conscience. she knows that ultimately she must make a choice: to believe in eternity, and therefore put on holiness, or to believe in nothing, and therefore that life is as meaningless as death, and oh, how she would like to die, but with death there are no second chances. but she hates it all. she wants to run. run, dear, just run. every daughter has her tantrums. be secure that you are safe in the knowledge that you are still His child.
(but i am still a good child, yes? i have not given up the faith. look, i still pray to overcome sin. i still do the work of God when He calls me, minister to people. i still live as His messenger. i am still not giving in to my own desires, even in my rebellion. i am not beyond saving. i haven't lost it. i'm not lukewarm. right?)
the point is that even without all of this, He still loves you with an everlasting love, as he loves the next sinner.
"For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."
"I saw that post-it on your wall just now, you know, and for a split second I thought oh that's pretty, I should take a picture of it and put it on Instagram. And then the sourness came back, no, I'm running away. And instantly the thought vanished. And it all happened so quickly. It was such a trivial thing. I forgot it happened until you brought up the verse again.
I want to have nothing to do with God. All these God things I want to avoid it. Just now when I was on my way here a fleeting thought came to mind, 'don't talk about God at all ah. Stay away from the topic.' And here I am now, crying. You know, I used to be a cell group leader in my previous place. I would read all these books and pray with all the girls and always talk about God. I would get all these visions. I was always talking about God. They called me the God girl. And then now, because of all this, look at where I am. I just cannot shake off my conscience. I know I'm not going to stop dating her, I feel like I have to choose between her and God."
but you have heard before that the worst thing you can do is to stop talking to your Father. you know that He has known your whole life, and any debt has been paid in full. He will wait for you. soak in that love again, and the love will show you where you need to go. you do not need to repent on thorns, resentful and bitter, hating God for being a tyrant against your happiness. let Love carry you. He will only accept a willing offering after all, one given in the knowledge of joy and assurance of hope.