Looking back at my blog posts again and like yuck. My writings have become so boring. I bore myself. I guess my posts were the best from around 2010-2012? Where each one was a wealth of new imagery and fresh emotion, and each one drew from a well of pain. Pain is the easiest trigger for writing. I guess I just haven't been feeling that bad lately. I guess it comes with the necessary exchange of that pining pain. Is writing a curse, then? Along with making poignant music and art? I was listening to Xue Bu Hui and it's such a beautiful song and the Spotify version (which has clearer audio) really grips my heart. JJ, as a singer, does what a writer does: his voice is a portal between his heart and the listener's. Hearts speak to one another; the wealth of emotion carries over to mine. And I'm like, I remember when my writing did that. When a friend told me she stopped reading my blog because she would get too sad. When strangers emailed me to tell me that I expressed their own pain for them, and it brought healing. I guess it takes pain to convey pain. Maybe I have grown immune to that sort of self-destruction. Traps covered over with leaves that I have learnt to be wary of. Test the ground before you step on it; at the first sign of danger, run, or you will fall into that never-ending pit. Well, I don't know. Things were pretty terrible a few months ago, too. But maybe it wasn't the beautiful kind of pain, the kind I could turn into an intricate, delicate butterfly to take flight.
Or maybe I just can't do it anymore.
Reminded of JJ's 第几个一百天 - the time he fell so sick and in his distress thought he might never be able to sing again. But no, he has come back so much better. His voice is so much stronger now, more mature, and just as overwhelmingly expressive. I hope I get back this writing thing, because...I've come to hate my writing.
Or maybe I became too reliant on personal information, and then people got hurt, and then I retracted in fear altogether. No more to be used in my writings. That's probably for the best, but I have to go back to being able to convey emotions without conveying situations, turning them into metaphors and portals.
I'll keep trying T_T