breaking

Thirteen minutes to class. The bus is taking too long to come. I'm brisk-walking along the pavement back to school, shoving my face into my chicken rice and trying to eat it like a biscuit because it's wrapped in that brown takeaway paper, and because the auntie didn't give a spoon. Struggling to manage my laptop and my lunch and the midday heat, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with the sense that I cannot do this much longer.

I have not slept for more than 3 hours per night in the past 1-2 weeks. Mornings I get up at 7 and rush to SOT, at 1pm I rush back to school to be in time for class at 2, and there has been acapella practices and CF prep meetings and start-of-the-year class meetings and whatever else; before that it was Orientation and all the preparation, starting from right when I got back to Singapore.

Yesterday after class it was cramps, Salvation Army, acapella, CF meeting. Tonight at 8pm it's the Morality class dinner, then acapella, then the overnight prayer meeting till 5am; tomorrow morning there's tuition, and then finally maybe I'll get the afternoon to sleep - but I cannot, because I really need to complete my readings for the Morality course, as well as my shelf of SOT readings. There is too much going on, I've been running around, barely been getting any time to sleep, let alone to myself, and the school term hasn't even started yet. I haven't even had the time to catch up with the friends I hold dear since I left for the summer. Barely had any proper conversations.

I watch as my bus passes me by. Twice.

Two tuition kids, Savation Army and Crest mentoring; Orientation, two acapella performances, CF, SOT, etc, etc. True, thank goodness I'm not overloading this semester - but instead I'm enrolled in two schools at once. "It's the life you chose, Karen." "You can't save the whole world." It's true.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this, but if I persevere till mid-Sept when SOT ends, I will have done it. And then suddenly I'll be eight hours freer per day and I won't know what to do with my life.

Seven minutes late for class.