Oct 15, 2011

girls sing about love guys sing about sex

too often it was either hot or cold when i really just needed warmth

but i remember you talking about your first memory and primary school and you happily showing me your secondary school photos and 'what if you meet someone like me?' and the way you looked at me with such a comfortable gaze and 'were you gonna let go?' and 'i can see my reflection in your eye' and the first hug and your super-cute nervousness and 'you're pretty in your own ways' and your regret and apology that night
and 'can i tickle you for five minutes? please?'
and 'i don't care if you look unglam...i think you'll look cute'

and i know it was more than that, something sincere, something 'serious', as you used to say.


The eighth came and went and I didn't realise.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to feel free around you again. Will I be able to let go of my insecurity and trust you with myself again, as completely as I had managed to do not too long ago; finally fully give my glass soul to you only to have it dropped the next day? Because through the countless times you've set my heart aflame before unintentionally stamping out the fire of joy again, I've learnt to take guard; when I let go of my insecurity and dare to be free is when you take it away from me.

I've actually been feeling pretty fine recently, I don't think I've cried since the day I told you I wouldn't anymore. These things just come back once in a while and I guess there's the need for the occasional bout of emo. I mean, the memories come back every day, but I usually don't feel sad about them anymore. After the A's everything will be okay. Whatever's meant to happen will happen, things will work out on their own, I might resolve to let myself be taken again, knowing full well the crash will come soon enough. But it won't be fatal this time, armed with the knowledge that God's my priority and He's the one that has all of me; that as long as I put Him first, He'll guide my path - He'll let me fall but not too hard.

Mark 2:15-17
Later, Levi invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. (There were many people of this kind among Jesus' followers.) But when the teachers of religious law who were Pharisees saw him eating with tax collectors and other sinners, they asked his disciples, 'Why does he eat with such scum?
When Jesus heard this, he told them, 'Healthy people don't need a doctor - sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.'

I love how my church is one that really reaches out to people from all walks of life, and how so many of those who are really strong members of the church were once...pretty messed up. Gang leaders, drug addicts at sixteen? Loan sharks? Fourteen-year-old gang members? Victims of emotional and physical abuse at childhood? These stories seem almost fictitious to me, but these people are very real, and they do exist, and I love the fact that my church is one that reaches out to people who aren't the kind you'd associate with things good and holy, because God transforms these people and uses them for His purpose. Through God, even the darkest of lives can be transformed to become beacons of light.

God can't bring someone up if they haven't fallen. We can't know light if we haven't experienced darkness. His strength is made perfect in weakness. Yeah, they seem like duh-what's-new sayings, but the message felt so real today. When I say something like 'Yes, God, give me your strength' I know full well that I'm indirectly asking for trials. How else can I truly experience his strength? How can he reach down to me and pick me up if I haven't fallen? Jesus' healing miracles could only be performed on those who were sick and needed healing; how could He perform a miracle on someone who didn't see a need for it?
He freed the man from the legion of demons that took control of his life, making him roam a graveyard and cut himself with stones for years. He freed the woman who had been made crippled by an evil spirit for eighteen years. He let the blind see, he brought the dead back to life. These people got to experience God personally in an amazing way. Would they have gotten to if they hadn't been struck by soul-tormenting evil spirits / disabilities / death?

The price to pay.
I ask for trials, but only because I know I'm armed with the shield of the Holy Spirit, and I know He'll carry me through and I'll ultimately emerge a stronger warrior for Him.

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