Jul 20, 2011

You know when you're trying too hard.

I read something that struck a chord in my heart and I just feel like typing something.

Got a lot to blog about - the Council going mad at Abi's house, Outvestiture and Sentosa, Harry Potter, a little lesson from God, but those will take too long for me to start talking about them now, I've got work to do.

I love being the INFP that I am. It does suck a lot, reflecting on everything like that, being so dependent on love and longing for affection - affirmation, assurance - like that, seeing things through my eyes and being all emo, wishing I wasn't the introvert I am sometimes, wishing I knew what to say, detesting my socially awkward moments, wishing I knew what to do, wishing the words and the actions came as intuitively to me as they did to everything else, wishing the emptiness wasn't so huge, wishing I didn't have to rely on / long for love like that, wishing I had my own strength; emotional independence. But I know there's a purpose for all this and it's what makes me who I am, and therefore I love my personality and all its flaws and the emoness involved. Someday I'll crash and burn, burn in insanity and all the emotions that will flow like fire, like Antoinette. Like the description of Jean Rhys in the foreword of Wide Sargasso Sea - the woman who dresses sophisticatedly and comes across as demure and nothing out of the ordinary, sweet black dress and gloves and good manners, and then gets caught unprepared one night, shattered bottles and sheer drunkenness, she can't recognise her own friends.

Being who I am can be pretty depressing sometimes, my glass-shattering vulnerability and ability to see everything in an emo light, my huge insecurity and far too many good laughs that come to an abrupt stop when a negative thought creeps up. I'm destined for doom. But my vulnerability and all these flaws and insecurities make up who I am and I can't - or won't - change it, and one day someone will think it's beautiful too.

Sometimes we try too hard. Sometimes we try too hard to make friends with someone whom you wish you could get to know better, and then you realise it's just not going right. You try to show yourself to the other person, try to be who you are, but it just isn't happening, you just can't think of anything to say.
You don't have to keep pushing it. There are other friends who take comfort in the silence you share, who don't mind the breaks and rest in the quietness, in mutual understanding. Or friends who speak to your heart. That's when your true personality shines through without you even having to try.

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