Jul 23, 2011


As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. - 1 Peter 4:10

I don't know about it being a gift, but I'm thankful for the way I find comfort in a pen and paper when I'm heavy-hearted. I'm thankful for the times I feel too miserable to do anything else and the words that flow from my fingertips give me consolation, help me feel like all my experiences are part of the plan, part of a story. And then the inexplicable burden is lifted when I reread and edit what I've written until I'm satisfied. If my heart still feels heavy after I've written it, I just continue writing.

Some people find this comfort in dance, where all the painful emotions become a tool, has a purpose. That's what it is. When you've found an avenue to express yourself and when you develop a passion for it, all your emotions - happy or excruciating - become a tool. It gives you a different way to look at your experiences.

Then again, I willingly drive myself into pits of emotional pain without bothering to protect myself sometimes because I tell myself that every experience will provide just that little additional bit of fuel for my writing. It's an excuse, really, nothing more than an excuse to let my heart have its way.

Anyway, I'm grateful for this outlet I've found to express myself and want to develop it further - I haven't read more than 5 books since Sec 3, and that has resulted in me being a very uninspired writer with the vocabulary range of a twelve-year-old. I vow to finish a book a week after the A's. Okay, maybe after Prom. (And maybe two weeks for thick books like Jane Eyre, especially if I'm working.)

Anyway, yeah, I'm grateful I've been blessed in this area, to be able to feel very intensely and then let it all flow in writing. Not everyone is able to express how they feel eloquently in words (speech or writing) and I'm thankful I don't feel like I'm unable to make my thoughts and feelings known in full. With the intensity of my emotions, I imagine I'd feel trapped in my own body, restricted by my inability to express myself in language.

God has blessed me with a passion for words, with an avenue where I can let my emotions flow, unlike some who feel like they're unable to express themselves well enough to do their emotions justice. I've always wanted to use it to ultimately help others. That's why even though I say I want to be a journalist, it's not really something I want to do forever - journalism is about reporting news and issues, and what I like about it is getting to write. I don't want to write simply for the sake of writing, though; I want to write to inspire, to encourage.

To create beauty and a whole new world with words and capture people - the hearts of lost teenagers who feel they can relate to me - and allow them to cry along with me as I bring them through the eyes of another, as I help them feel they aren't alone, and then provide some form of comfort.

I want them to know that someone else understands. I want them to see their own stories - so private and dear to them, stories of midnight tears and secret self-hatred - on print in a book in front of them, so that they'll realise that no matter how deep their emotional shards are cutting into their heart, they aren't alone in feeling this way.

I signed up for the News Media ministry at church, under writing. Just saying. I've got to start somewhere. But even there, perhaps I'll be able to change a few things, touch a few hearts.

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