Carmen

So this is a really random post, but a memory from years ago fell into my head last night so I'm writing about it today.

This is Carmen. My earliest memory of her is when she first came to my cell group. We were sixteen, 2009. Cell group had just ended, and we were all going down the stairs to the void deck. I think it was at Daniel's place. Carmen noticed the silver cross around my neck, and asked me where it was from. I told her it was from my childhood friend, with whom I used to go to Sunday School. 

"Oh, that's lovely," she said. "My cross was given to me by my mum."

"Oh," I said, and smiled politely. Merp. I continued walking down the stairs. I didn't really know what to say to that. I mean, a lot of things are from our parents because at that age most of our things are paid for by them, right? Like, technically my clothes were from my mum too, and my shoes? I think it was our first time speaking to each other, too, so it was just all a little awkward, Carmen attempting to be friendly and me not really knowing what to say in response.

What I didn't know was that her mother had just passed away from cancer, right before she came over to our cell group. Oh Carmen, if I had known the weight of that simple sentence, I would have stopped right there and cried and hugged you so tight.

Our cell group multiplied a month or two after, and we eventually became closer when all these secondary school boys started coming into our cell group. After a while there were only 4 girls, and only the two of us were the same age. She often told me that she enjoyed our chats, non-superficial and unreserved; and I was always blessed to witness her beautiful soul, so pure and in love with God. Carmen's love is boundless; it overflows out of her heart and spills out to the lives of everyone she encounters. It's extraordinary. I also remember her Beauty Rush lip gloss. Smelled like cotton candy heaven. I remember once we met up for dinner or something before cell group, and talked about what was going on in our lives. She told me about a difficult decision regarding two things very close to her heart. I understood her pain. And then later on at cell group, Jason came around to say a prophetic prayer for each of us. I was sitting beside Carmen, so I could hear what Jason was saying to her, and every word was exactly on point, waves and waves of God's voice sent straight to her heart. Carmen was in tears, and I thanked God for His wisdom. Of course God knows exactly what to say, knowing all, wanting only the best for her. She made the right decision that night.

I think it was that same year, 2009, that we both answered an important altar call at church. An altar call for young people who wanted to dedicate the years of their youth fully to Jesus. It was a big altar call; a response that said "I won't live for myself anymore; I will live the most precious, energetic years of my life for You." I went down because I knew I would regret it later. I went down because I wanted to tell Jesus to have His way in my life now, so that I couldn't decide otherwise later on. So that even if I detested the follow-through, He would still be holding the reins. I wanted to make a choice that would bind me for the best. We both walked down the terraces, and we stood beside each other in the front, together with a crowd of other young people.

In a couple of years, I saw her completely blossom, from that quiet girl sitting at the corner of the room at cell group to such a bubbly, confident woman so full of life, so ready to love the people around her, radiating strength and grace. We both happened to go to SOT (School of Theology) together in 2013 too - at that point, she was coordinating the SOT worship team, preparing to be a worship leader at church, and I was about to start the Christian Fellowship at Yale-NUS. I am still in awe of how far Jesus has carried us from that altar call six years ago. (I've written about this many times, I think.) God has taken the years of our youth to spread His love. He has also taken our hurts and transformed it into compassion, infused it into our talents, helped us become deeper and stronger and more loving individuals.

Met her for lunch before I left for Indonesia and before she left for Berklee (!!!) this month, and I was reminded again of how genuine and down-to-earth she is, and how she continues to soar with God, always covered by His merciful presence. My heart is at ease, and full of thanks.

Here's Carmen's performance at my church on Mother's Day, 2011, two years after her mother passed away. (It starts at 4:57.) I remember I was sitting on my own that day, not with the cell group. And when the video played I was screaming my head off in support. And when she finished her performance tears were streaming down my face and I was cheering like a loony and people around me were staring and I was just like THAT'S MY GIRL THAT'S MY GIRL I'M SO PROUD. And I'll continue being a loony supporter Carmen, because your voice is a beautiful gift that God and your mother have given you, second only to your heart.



Ah well since I'm at it, here's Nightlight by The Sam Willows, written for Benjamin and Narelle's mother who also passed away from cancer in 2002. The lyrics, the video, the voices...this makes me cry  too often.

Love doesn't wish for a person to remain where they are

I quarrelled with a friend today. Two stubborn heads butting into each other, one resistant to change, one insisting that he must be receptive to advice and actively seek out God and His wisdom. An arrow trying to pierce an iron block. “Your soul needs to be healthy; it’s where the Holy Spirit lives. Sometimes you need to hold your responses back a little; don’t be so quick to offer an excuse. You won’t develop otherwise.”

In the middle of it I said that if there was no edifying aspect of our friendship, then it was pointless for us to hang out. A friendship wishes the best for each other, and it seeks mutual strengthening. I said “Love does not wish for a person to remain where they are. I’m saying that I do love and have compassion for you. Do you understand?” I realised I was repeating CS Lewis’s own teachings. It was what I was reading a couple of days ago in The Problem of Pain. We are all very flawed, and all of us have a long way to go in being better people. That's why love wishes for the other person to change (for the better), not stagnate. A friend seeks to help make the other person stronger, wiser, better. Today I realised for myself that true love, the love of God, doesn’t just want the other person to be momentarily happy; true love wants the other person to be well. Joy is a natural by-product of being well in your soul. I don’t want a depressed drug addict to keep taking drugs even if that’s the only thing that can give her momentary pleasure. I want her to heal. And that healing process is painful, but necessary, to her soul becoming well, and then she can be truly joyful at her freedom from the chains of addiction.

I guess this is the product of both that CS Lewis book and the Henry Nouwen one that Tiff lent me that I’m also currently reading (Here and Now). We don’t just seek happiness or optimism - a feeling that’s tied to circumstance. Circumstances will always find their way to be shitty from time to time. We seek joy - that firmly endures regardless of the situation. And out of that joy one can be motivated to change their circumstances, too.

As a Christian, the firmest source of joy is the hope that whatever the circumstance, Christ lives in us, and has overcome everything. He knows our future and has taken care of it, and He will bring us through it. When we have that knowledge firm in us, there’s no reason to worry about anything. We know that sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

And so a friendship seeks for both people to be anchored in that joy.

Ah, you see, the two books that informed my responses today were books that belong to my classmates. My reflections in this post is also a product of my semester of seeking advice from Evannia and Carmen, letting them know all about my life so that they can feed me with wisdom. This is why one cannot remain alone. You have to actively seek wise advice from people who have walked the road before; read, read, read; feed yourself with information and transform the useful things into wisdom for yourself. My last advice to this friend was to seek wise Christian advice and read Christian material - desiringgod.org, sermons, books, whatever worked for him. Because you can ask God for healing but He can't use what you don't have to shape you. In order to know the Bible better you have to actually read it. In order to know wisdom you have to actually seek it.

In the end, I ended that conversation with “Anything you say”. There was no point fighting, really; he would remain firm to his beliefs, and I to mine. But my reply made me sad. Because I stopped trying to care. And to stop trying to care is to stop loving. And it’s not true - I still care for him and want the best for him and “anything you say” is not my TRUE answer, just the only one I can give as long as one remains unreceptive to wisdom. And I still care for you, and I want your soul to be well, for you to find joy with Christ, because a life with Jesus is an exceedingly joyful one (although not the happiest). You have all the hope you need. And I will pray for that.

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I must also say that a semester ago, I wouldn't have been able to say any of this. Thank you, Evannia, Carmen, Theo and Josh for being a part of my life and shaping me for the better this semester. I'm also so grateful for my small group, Yixuan and Bao, for always being with me and strengthening me, reminding me of God's love. Thank you Sau for displaying such care for me whenever I needed it, never leaving me alone. Thank you Tiff for your heart. Thank you Charlotte too, for that night a year ago when I came to your room and cried (you might not remember it, but I do); for the freshman nights we used to pray together, for allowing me to give you strength as you strengthened me in return; for the little Bible verses you've left me. Thank you Janel for that koufu lunch, for sitting with me and sharing your heart with me in order to strengthen mine. Thank you Carissa - for so much, for so so much, I can't begin to describe. Thank you Ami for all our conversations. There are many people who have played some part in shaping me these couple of years, and especially so this semester - I've changed so much this semester, and I'm so grateful that I'm a very different person now from last semester, and from two years ago.