no more shame

"Marvellous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well."

Year 1 Sem 1. There was one night in Greece, the bunch of us came to a road-or-pathway, threw all our bags aside, and lay on the ground to marvel at the stars. We were all a mess of legs and arms and heads staring agape in wonder. It was a night of silence, punctuated with the occasional excitement of having seen a shooting star or the scramble to get off the road-or-pathway when we saw headlights round the bend. One of the first comments that were made as soon as we lay down was by Teck Yuke: "wah, must really thank God leh." A comment made with a sigh of awe, gratitude at the beauty of creation, all the greatness of the work of the Creator who also cares for you and me.

"Mm," I quickly and curtly replied, and that was all. I actually felt almost ashamed, like I had to shush a little child, don't say that in front of other people, don't say that here. Why was I ashamed? I had no reason to be: I was there with Yixuan and Baoyun, and other Christians were there too, and... and it was just us, in the dark of night, and we all knew and loved one another.

I realise that I'm totally comfortable with talking about God or praying in a big space when the situation is meant for it, like at a Christian Fellowship gathering or at cell group or when I'm supposed to advertise a CF thing. But I cannot pray in a park, or find peace with God at an open space, or talk openly about God in a random situation, caught off-guard. I never talk about God with my family. I would never randomly say "praise God" in a gathering. I cannot pray in my room or read the Bible in peace unless my door is closed. And I've just been wondering why that is.

If He is God of all, I have no reason to be ashamed.

And so maybe I'll start crawling out of this strange shell by being more intentional about telling people what I want to tell them, praying for / with them and speaking words of love in any situation, and being more comfortable in my own skin.

They say that the thing you see when you look in the mirror is your insecurity. It used to be my Christian identity, a label people put on me, "the CF girl", and it used to make me want to fight against that, "I am more, I am more". One day Yixuan said "but isn't it such a privilege to be representing God?" Now, as I continue to slip up and represent my God badly at times, I want to be His ambassador out of gratitude, out of the knowledge that He is who I belong to, He is all there is of me; His name is the song of every atom of my body and every aspect of my personality, which was crafted by Him.