28 nov, in response to drew
“you don’t want things hard enough.” that is true; also I am very pessimistic with regard to any sort of interpersonal relations. And the way you pursued her was remarkable, bordering on crazy. Years of despair, that long letter you pleaded with me to help you write that we never finished. You never wanted to give up hoping. I thought you were being stupid. Kept telling you to just get over it, since she already had.
but I don’t think it’s a bad thing, either, that I, through tears and days of lying in bed, can find it in myself to give things up. God gives; God takes away; may the name of the Lord be praised. It might not even have to do with God, or be because of Him. Regardless, He will carry me through every season, and not disregard the life and plans that I put in His hands. Ultimately it is not only about the journey between me and another person; there is no husband or wife in heaven; as Carmen says, marriage is an icon, a window into the divine union between Christ and the Church. What do I lose if I lose a person romantically? Ultimately the journey is about Christ, and He doesn’t leave. We don't bring our earthly marriage with us into eternity, but we bring the holiness that the spouse has helped to develop in us.
What about the pain? Can I forgive?
I have gotten to know some very beautiful people these few years, beautiful for the richness of the lives that they have revealed to me. I am thankful to have known them; that is all. I leave their lives, and mine, in Your hands; no future can go wrong there.