[this was from a couple of weeks back; things have changed now, but i felt i should post it anyway]
I am such an emotionally dependent person, and I get hurt a lot from it. It's very painful, and the process is accompanied by a lot of self-anger and bitterness and tears. I'm getting much stronger now, but it has been a journey of so much pain these past many years.
Yah, in Part 1 of Shackles, was desperate to be loved: she couldn't live without someone else, letting every ounce of life and hope hinge on him. And it's very ugly, and I don't like that image, and I don't want it in me.
The night I broke down in a friend's room, she said that I was beautiful precisely because of my huge love for my friends, and it was a part of who I was. Your ability to love is a part of your identity. Don't let other people affect how you love. That struck me. Most of the time people tell you not to bother loving someone who doesn't seem to love you back. But this time, it's about giving to people simply because it's a part of who I am. Their response doesn't matter.
It's like how we can depend on God's love because it's His nature to love. We can be holy or rebellious, but we know He always loves us the same anyway, because His love is based on who He is, not what we do.
I happened to talk to someone else about it. She said she admired my ability to let myself be vulnerable, but I said it isn't a choice; it's something I'm trying to fight to break out of.
She said: it's not completely ugly. Yah isn't completely ugly when she desperately loves someone and lets him crush her heart. This sort of vulnerability forces pride to disappear. We depend on another person to come alive again. This sort of love is self-forgetting: you give so much of yourself that you forget yourself. "This love is holy in this way, but I will also remember that there's always someone whom if I choose to be vulnerable to, will not be cold, and will reciprocate many times over."