Feb 26, 2014

toradora musings | parallels

I was always relying on Ryuuji. On his kindness. But those times have passed. Minorin will definitely fall for Ryuuji, and Ryuuji truly likes Minorin. In other words, they both like each other. Then I won’t be able to stay by Ryuuji’s side anymore. I won’t be able to walk by his side. The one beside Ryuuji  won’t be me. I don't...want that.

It's so sad, you say, and I say Taiga's dilemmas are so much like mine. You lie there silent for a long while, curled up, your head against my hip as the cheerful Christmas song plays, until I reach out to hit 'Next'.

Taiga doesn't have to deal with this in the end, but I must find a way to resolve these issues within myself. I have no idea how to, and while Taiga is strong on her own anyhow, I think my struggles point to a larger problem that will be extremely destructive for myself in the future.

I guess for now it's good enough to know that someone bothered enough to depict it in anime. That it's possibly relatable enough, common enough, or at least something the producers think people can sympathise with. It's nice knowing you're not alone in little ways like these (and also in the lovely one who comes knocking on my door, who reminds me that a few steps away lies the same whirlwind contained within another soul).

There are times when you look at a person's problem and think "I've been there before, and I know it hurts so immensely when you're in the middle of it all, but I know it will be okay, things will work themselves out with a bit of time, it will be okay." I wish someone could tell me this too, but I don't think things will just fall into place like that. I don't know how to deal with it, and when I'm older things might snowball and I might become terrible.

Things have been lovely the past few days, and I'm very grateful to you for it. I'm very grateful for the months of unspoken misunderstandings laid out on the table, for your maturity in dealing with all of it with me, for how there is again a reassurance and a comfort. But the root of the problem, the hole within myself, can never be resolved by anyone else.

This is something only I can fix, and I have no idea how. I guess all I can do is try whatever advice I've been given. I was told by you that it is possibly because of my low self-esteem, how I always put myself down. You say that maybe if I am more confident about my abilities and find that I can do things myself, it will lead to a sort of self-sufficiency, where I don't need other people to fill the holes in my soul for me. But my abilities don't have to do with my emotional dependence of people, I argue, but what do I know? It's worth a shot.

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