Feb 20, 2014

on love's imbalance

"it happens, in general too; sometimes we need people more than they need us. Sometimes we give just because we want to be able to 'be important' to someone, but then not being adequately appreciated stings. Not that it's bad or dumb to give, but asymmetry is a fact of humanity."
(Pei Yun)

i still maintain my theory of love being largely unreciprocated, and more like a chain of giving - while we all have the capacity to love and give, it is just so rare, so rare for two people to love each other intensely in the same degree. (romantic or otherwise.) and i used to be so frustrated about this. about how i relentlessly gave, and gave, and seemed hardly ever to receive; while he gave and gave to another, and felt likewise. so ironic. so ironic that we don't see the love we have in front of us, while we give ourselves away to another vessel instead. i still do get frustrated over this, although less so now, because i am on my way to feeling less, giving and being less, and being more self-sufficient instead.

but i am trying to see it in a different light. we don't do things for people because we expect it to be returned; hard as it may be, we shouldn't love people while expecting to receive it in the same amount from them. love is freely given, without strings attached. giving is my own choice. when i give, that's my problem, and not your responsibility.

Kevin said this to me way back last May - he does his best for himself, and doesn't expect anything of anyone, because they will probably disappoint you. You do what needs to be done in a project, and don't expect them to put in as much effort as you did. You give someone something that will help them, and don't expect them to make good use of it.
I remember saying that it was a ridiculous way of thinking - he was trying to defy the basic principles of give and take. It might be practical, but it's counter-intuitive, and you can't expect to go on like this and be totally fine with it. There is no sense of mutual trust in this, and trust is a huge part of our lives.

I'm starting to see it in myself now though - to be okay with giving and not receiving, to be okay with pouring myself out to people without expecting the same; love is a choice, and I am happy to love, but it isn't right to impose a responsibility on other people because of your decisions.

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