Nov 14, 2013

little sister

(reposted from my tumblr after much consideration) 

What's this about lending out my stuff to random people who ask for it?!

12.15pm: [in the shower]

Mistakes. I made a mistake today. I made an error of presumption: of assuming that people were as chill and easy with their stuff as I. I assumed that because you and I were chill, our possessions were also shared in a sense, like how I could sneak into your room and take your laundry coins from your kitty coinbox while you were asleep, or how you're okay with me napping on your bed / sleeping on your floor. (still, this is a weird assumption to make since we don't borrow each other's stuff often. Guess I assumed a chillness across the different aspects of a friendship.) You gave me a special kind of trust, and I loaned it out.

I make mistakes a lot, and you witness all of them: from taking an hour-long journey for nothing because I forgot they relocated, to oversleeping, to skipping work and leaving you with my load of crap to handle when you're already extremely stressed. I often like to think I'm more sensible or mature than you think, but the fact that I bare everything to you pretty much shows that this is the real me, a lot dumber than I'd like to be.

(side: Also, I know that when I get in an anxious mood with people that turns into frustration at everything else, it is very annoying. I know because I've argued with Jackie before, and we are very much alike, especially in this aspect. And the way the arguments tangent into everything else is ANNOYING. But I'm going to launch into a toned-down version of this anyway: not angry, just a musing about the broader things that don't really have to do with this, but do, too.)

I make mistakes a lot and disappoint you at times. (I also just misspelt 'disappoint'.) You sigh at me a lot, tolerate it, and accept the fact that I am young and stupid. I mean, that comes with being a little sister, right? Immature, dependent, dumb, full of the weirdest behaviours and mistakes, very much in need of guidance. People like me and sau, I guess, you see as little sisters; and you are the mature one who sees our youngness. Sometimes I don't like being a little sister, because it connotes that I am always the stumbling one who needs your guiding hand, and that you've nothing to gain from me because I'm the one who's a burden, with my dumb concerns and irrational fears (like, of capital letters). But that's true anyway, and I have to accept that you are very much more sensible and experienced. You're brilliant and I always mess up. And I know you see sau and me as kids, but not all younger people. You finally called someone an 'equal' one day: someone who doesn't just have it all in the fullest (looks, compassion, talent etc.), but who also has your approval. And it's true: while the cute colourful bits of her character exist, she is also strong, independent, very careful and mature-minded about things. I can only accept that I'm a klutz, and there is no use in trying to justify myself to you because you probably know me better than I know myself and your impression of me as a person is already so lousy but you still love me as a friend anyway.

When Sau and I talk, I feel like we hold each other's hearts in our hands. She and I acknowledge that we are the "little sisters" who are still falling and trying to learn, and who accept that we are this way: young and navigating through this maze that people like to think they're out of. We talk about stupid but real issues, accept that we do not know, and conclude that while we continue to stumble, we have each other. (look sau you're featured on my blog HAHA)

I don't like being an immature person who falls and makes mistakes, but it's probably better to accept it and let you see all the weaknesses of me than to try and cover it up to myself and justify my actually intelligent side to you. I mean, you're probably wondering why we're in the same college. I do think I give good insights in PPT and CSI seminars, but it's okay that you don't see them. The time I asked how she and I were different, you replied at night saying that you gave it some thought, and realised that I wasn't naive like you'd assumed. Life had given me some shit, and I wasn't an innocent thing who didn't know depth. Well, it's nice that you acknowledge it, but my lack of response to the shit means that this doesn't say anything about me. I don't have a resolution. I continue being weak and emotionally-driven, letting these things affect me. But I think it is a choice: I'm glad to allow myself to continue falling, feeling, participating in the human condition and sharing these broken bits of myself with others.

Sorry, I don't think there was a point in this rant. I just wanted to say that I am always the immature one making mistakes, and sometimes I wished you could feel like you gain from me too, that I'm not always the one learning. (Actually, sometimes I think you're a bit dumb too, like your whole 'moment of weakness' thing and regarding the last post-it I gave you, but that's a different matter.) And as you continue to accept my failings and I continue to surprise myself with how stupid I actually am, this is how we operate: the big brother accepting my immaturity and being with me as I stumble along, and me wishing i could also be an equal, but knowing that i still have a big portion of learning to do before the gap is filled. And I'm okay with it as long as you continue to let me hang around.

HAHAHA joking lah
It's totally fine
Aiyah you think I'd be troubled by this kind of thing meh

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