Nov 22, 2013

Carissa & Janel

stand beside it; we can't help the way it makes us glow

so at acapella today, it was apparently quite obvious that i was sad - i had been crying in kevin's room and his colour-blindness meant that he couldn't tell that my eyes were red (lol thanks). later that night when i was in kevin's room again, these two beautiful girls knocked on the door and said that they had noticed that i seemed rather down at acapella practice, so they were going to sing me a song.

hugs all around and i told them what was going on and it all sounded very trivial and dumb but they are beautiful people and they shared my hurt. and i told them how they could take care of me by chilling in my room tomorrow evening, 'cos i didn't really feel like being alone then.

a short while later, carissa messaged me to announce a sleepover at the 9th floor lounge. they had rearranged the armchairs and sofas so we had a row of three cozy cots. i only got there at about 3am but they were still awake and talking. it turned out that we all had a strange night in bad ways. they had seen ugly things. and so we were just talking about it. talking about ugly things and ugly sides of people and how on earth does God love us when he sees all the filth? they said they had prayed for me when they were singing sad songs at the ledge, thinking about the ugly stuff they'd witnessed. janel is a very protective friend in an extremely sweet and cute way and after a while things got very desperate and sombre. like we were really struggling to find a way to see this world in the same light that we used to. everything just seemed black and ugly. at one point in time we decided that we hated everything.

but then carissa said some beautiful things. she's such an encouraging person. and i feel lousy and weak a lot but she reassures me that i have good things within me. and good things around me. and i felt so incredibly thankful for the friends i've made at ync, for God's favour, for people's trust, for all the conversations, for how all the friendships are very stable and secure. stability and security can be very hard to find, but i know my friendships are true and sincere, because i am so. and i felt so incredibly thankful that i had people like carissa and janel who'd sing me a song and have a sleepover just because i felt lousy, over an issue that wasn't big, either. (it wasn't big, but trust is a big thing, also a naive thing)

and so after the happier words and the reassurance of the existence of love and goodness, we fell asleep at about 5. at 10am jevon knocked on the door of the lounge; he had brought us breakfast because janel had left earlier for class but she told jevon to get us breakfast. omg the sweetest thing. so carissa and i ate, and then i went back to sleep until 11.30 (omg, on a schoolday too, felt like heaven) while carissa stayed in her cot with her computer. when i got up to take a shower carissa gave me a hug and i knew, i knew again, that i had her love. when janel was done with her morning class she came back to the lounge and she brought us some pretty awesome snacks. and so we stayed there until the third period probably, since we all had class then.

and, you know, my college life probably isn't the most exciting. i thought i'd be a lot more adventurous than this in college (it also made me afraid of the person i might turn into). i mean, the average night is spent wasting time in my room on facebook or on the guitar, or doing my readings in kevin's room. sometimes i blame my unexciting college life on my friend choices. but then i think, is it really unexciting in this sense? every time i think that, i know that the friends i have made are the most amazing, and i wouldn't have it any other way. and my college life is definitely beautiful in its own way. in all the love there is. i think about my friendship with kevin and how we're completely comfortable and free in sharing and showing all of ourselves. and how people like charlotte and denise feel comfortable with sharing about themselves with me and getting me to pray with them, and look at carissa and janel. there are also many others who show me love and trust and i am very satisfied with where i am right now. i'm probably in the best place now. if things get any better, it'll just go to show how there's really no limit to amazingness and beauty here at yale-nus lol.

sometimes people can be so full of goodness and love and it just leaves me in awe.

right now i'm at philosophy class and we're supposed to complete the sentence "in my view, the self is..." and the only word that comes to mind is "beautiful".

Stand beside it, we can't hide the way it makes us glow
It's no good unless it grows, feel this burning love of mine
Deep inside the ever-spinning, tell me does it feel
It's no good unless it's real, hill sides burning
Wild-eyed turning til we're running from it

I'd take care of you if you'd ask me to
In a year or two

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