photos from years ago now

i don't know if you remember the only photo we took together in the time that we were together; at the bus stop, the night we kissed for the second time i think. and i thought ah it's such a bad photo but there'll always be more opportunities but well i guess you can never tell. i think that was two days before you stopped talking to me.

it is a terrible photo. blur and we both look really bad. but i've got my big smile on, and you're smiling and you're turning to look at me and i just like remembering the emotions of that second

i guess it's nice to look back at photos and bring back memories once in a while, to remember that i was once so alive
once i lived in bliss, in heaven, heaven in the back of a bus, heaven in the world of two, and although now i remember the pain far more, the sheer happiness was undeniable, oh how i lived


or maybe i'd rather not remember how alive and magical and beautiful, the beauty it was

that photo brings it back, the second and last time - you uncertain, afraid, taking the initative, such a noob, gaining confidence, learning how to do it right; you pushing me into the pool; our one final hug; how i cried at the park; how you called me at sji to say it wasn't fun because i wasn't there; you and me at the staircase landing and me in that old-looking new top "i can see myself in your eyes" / the moment i stood up awkwardly to look like i was walking away when a couple emerged from the lift; back to that second kiss again, me keeping a lookout on the lift; the one time on the forty-ninth floor; how it was always me on your lap and the little sweet honest things you'd say; 49th floor again, jaywalking across the road holding hands and i put my arm round you tentatively because you don't like affection being displayed like that but you smiled and put your arm round me too to draw me closer

so easily you remember how your heart used to beat, how the surge of happiness and confidence and reassurance bubbled from your heart into a smile

all too easily being alive comes back, how i was consumed by all this

consumed; so much; too much, too much for now, and i cannot trust myself