On Love

“It’s a strange thing, how you can love somebody, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them – and they simply don’t need you. That’s all there is to it, and neither of you can do anything about it. And they’ll be the same way with someone else, and someone else will be the same way about you and it goes on and on – this desperate need – and only once in a rare million do the same two people need each other.”
— Madeleine L’Engle

When I like someone, I'm usually overcome with a huge feeling of hopelessness (even if it isn't a hopeless situation), which results in a lot of self-bashing and bitterness. It brings far more pain than joy or any ounce of hope. I haven't had feelings for anyone in some time and I'm so thankful for it. I was on a no-liking-anybody streak when someone came by quite a while back, and I was suddenly overcome by this familiar feeling of hopeless sadness, and then I knew what it was, and I hated it. I realised how much I had taken the freedom of not liking anyone for granted. I felt like I was betraying a friendship.

We're only single for less than half our lives (hopefully). I have learnt to appreciate and make the most of it, and I shall learn to really treasure it. Treasure the freedom of not liking anyone, of not being restricted or chained or made any less free to do whatever you want, to have to consider anyone else's schedule / preferences when you're making a decision. I've realised that if I ever have the misfortune (haha) of liking anyone in college, it'll really hinder me from doing what I want at Yale-NUS. Exchange trips, packed schedules... I don't know how people manage to be away from the one they love for weeks at a go (LDR kids and NS-boyfriend-couples y'all are amazing). I wouldn't be able to concentrate in class - or do anything, really. I've been devoured by love before. Whether it's a relationship or a one-way infatuation, love takes over me entirely, and I can't do or think about anything else. It's terrible, the way it overcomes me, the emo waves that spill out onto my blog, and I'm so lucky to be free from that right now.


I also haven't cared so little about my appearance since...forever. I mean, I never used to wear glasses. I used to wear contact lenses twelve hours a day seven days a week. Now I hardly wear them anymore. I look pretty terrible in Yale-NUS and I'm always underdressed but I'm like whatever la.

I wonder if this is related.