You see people hanging out in groups and you realise you haven't spoken to half the school yet because you yourself have been keeping to your little comfort circle; all them HTHTs and wondering whether you're intruding and wondering how much you don't know and feeling like you need to start making friends now, now; pictures of things going on and friendships being formed and feeling like you didn't get the memo, like there've been a lot of memos you haven't been getting. people getting all close and touchy and all that glitter in the air and just, wondering. Wondering if you should be feeling like there's something wrong with you.
Meanwhile fire continues to be fought and I can't be bothered at all anymore because I know what I know, and I don't have to prove myself to anyone. And that's a funny thing to say coming from me because I always see the need to prove myself. I'm always afraid of someone getting an inaccurate impression of me.
And then I'm reminded of my 16-year-old self, the one who looked at people I wished I was closer to but nah I always decided they had better things to do than want to hang out with me. I don't want to trouble anyone or make them feel like they're obliged. And somehow right now all I feel is lonely. Like I'm hoping for a good friend to be coming down the stairs and going hey karen and just sitting with me. hoping for an arm, a tousling of hair, a comfortable neat silence, just enjoying each other's company. And who would that good friend be? Who can I call my good, comfortable friend? With whom am I confident in our friendship, confident enough to have a quiet sit and just enjoy the moment and know that he's not feeling obliged?
What's wrong with me this month? Lost the ability and desire to form good friendships? Feeling jaded? Worn out? Missing the environment of simple, pure accepting love at SOT?
I've made some great friends and I'm so glad, though. So grateful.