Look at us. Look at the ones whose faces are full of light. Look at the ones who laugh and are the life of the room. Look at the ones who walk in joy and love and whose lives are full. Full of everything good and hopeful and bright.
They're no different from the rejects down the alley, the queer kids' lane. We are all nothing, slaves to ourselves, our hearts are all deceitful above all things. We try, we cry out to heal, we receive the balm of life to cover up those wounds, but we are all broken, every single one. We're all broken. For a second that balm dries up and we're all over the place and nowhere again, spiralling down that alley, banging head-first into the walls, we don't know anymore. We just don't know.
Look at us and have compassion. We're no different. We're human, we trip over our feet all too often. The rest, they look at they start gossiping and you want to scream. Look you're no different either and you think you're all that righteous. Take me into your arms, clothe me with the warmth and goodness we both know, and say you love me all the same. We receive the strength but we're still all weak, each of us, we're weak and insecure and we don't know what it means to be confident in how beautiful we are.
And the weak ones who choose to cling on to strength are sometimes so alone. We're so alone, and our eyes look around to those who chose to let go of that strength and they get the prize and we wonder why we're doing this. Why we cling on. We could easily let go too and just never look back.
Look at the ones who tell you they are broken, and believe them. It's not something they say because they're oh so holy. It's something they say because they know they aren't. They are also struggling inside, cigarette burns on their hearts telling them what a gaping hole they need to fill.
God keeps my heart broken. Like Jacob's limp, like Paul's thorn, God keeps me broken enough to remind me of pain. Sometimes you just don't know what to do with that pain, and it's so easy to give in to yourself and crap it's everything you need and want and look at them have it so what if they're crying and hurting again now you want it too. Your heart's been struggling to say you don't want it, you don't want it, but look at what your heart wishes was your heartache, instead of the lousy pathetic one you've been given. Dammit. Why.
God I thought my heart was stronger than this now. You're showing me this is all I am. Nothing more than the lousy one I was before this. I thought I was better now but You show me the brokenness never heals. You keep me broken. The way my heart latches onto anything a shadow of acceptance and affection and hope, the way I know I'm so weak, chasing after every special smile and sparkle and oh I'm so young. Chasing. Chasing but I always fall too far behind.
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
That He loves us, oh how He loves us