Mar 26, 2013

Take me higher; draw me deeper

- edit: I'm usually not very comfortable with blogging about my personal encounters with God, but I just felt like I should document this - it might help someone, someone like the younger me, and I want to talk about this truthfully, to share it with my Christian friends, just a genuine, open sharing. I might take it down later on if I feel it's too personal to post. God is my own private hiding place, and I'm not so sure about sharing this with everyone. Makes me wish I had a more private blog sometimes. - 

Standing at my seat, hands lifted. My legs are already feeling it, and my mind gets the better of me as usual, imagining a forceful blow to the back of my knees that would send me into a kneeling position, or pain. I discipline my mind. Lord, I know you're a good God, and you won't hurt me, I reason. Be gentle. Be gentle like you are. And I receive the image: He lifts me up, right arm lifting me from the back of my knees, His left arm supporting my back. And I am cradled like a daughter against His chest.

I look at the screen and see people I know and love. It always touches me deeply, sometimes to tears, to see people I'm close to worshipping God and loving Him. Look at this God, not just my God but the God of those I love. And He knows us each intimately, privately, and we all worship Him in the private spaces of our own heart, in a realm only known by Him and each of us individually. Thank you, God, that each of us knows You personally.

Standing in the aisles, a double anointing waiting. God, take away my fear. I tend to have this weird apprehension every time I walk to the front to be laid hands upon, and it results in me not being able to receive much. Lord, look at these anointed people. Let me encounter You today. Let this be my best encounter. Don't draw back. I stare at the edge of the stage, willing my fear away. I don't want this experience to be taken away from me this time. I close my eyes. Feel that strong something in the air. It's not the strong something of His atmosphere that I'm familiar with - the fire - and this seems foreign, but there's something strong there. Soak it in.

Her hand over my wrist, such a woman of love. His hand on my head - was it there? It must have been - but barely, before I seem to trip backward over my own stationary feet and fall. Someone catches me from behind and lets me down slowly, and I curl up on my side and the tears come forcefully, suddenly, inexplicably.

Hello, Jesus.

Usually, I just happen to fall forward on my knees, or kind of trip backward a bit but regain myself before I fall. This is the first time I have fully fallen in the presence and power of the Spirit. But it's only physical. I don't feel it in my spirit, I don't feel the bursting of my soul, the sudden burst of worship, like the most impactful of encounters do.

Lord, an encounter that's only physical isn't as powerful; it doesn't grip my spirit or my heart. But I trust that You're working something within me. Let its effects last longer than the moment. Anoint me. Let others feel You through me, whether it's in my words, my prayer or my love. In the future, I will pray, and Your presence will fill the room, tangible. Let the others know what it means to be in Your Spirit.

And I realise my best encounters were not at church or at a large zone gathering, where a powerful pastor laid hands upon us. My best encounters were always at cell group meetings. Cell meetings - where our leader isn't a powerful pastor or renowned miracle worker - but God is the same and He works through them all. It doesn't matter who imparts the Spirit; He works through every broken vessel, and no one's works mean anything without Him.

I also happen to remember the two times I got pins and needles so bad while worshipping that it even got to my mouth, my forearms, etc. The first time was during the Exco Retreat at Telunas, while I was leading praise and worship at night. It was just a small thing, with Alex on the guitar, but I started to get these insane pins and needles. When they got to my mouth I couldn't open my mouth to sing properly. I probably looked like a fish. The second time was when the congregation was standing and praying. I got pins and needles so bad it spread to my upper arm. I had no idea why. I wonder if it means anything. I mean, who gets pins and needles on their lips while singing?!

No comments: