the result of heavy distractions + running on empty

It's like before the O's when I started failing my English essays. I started freaking out. I'm not freaking out yet (although I actually need to start panicking really), but my essay skills are going down the drain. A month ago my fellow JC2s were already busy rushing out essays like a photocopier, reading the syllabus for the thousandth time - or at least not sleeping the days away like I was, trying to escape from the arrows that pierced my mind while I was awake, doing at most a quarter of an essay a day.

Been trying to speed things up. I did four essays today, none of which were of a satisfactory standard. I've lost all ability to formulate a good essay. Not that I really had it in the first place, but now my essays are getting even worse. I've been getting Cs all along. I really do need my 18/25 to come along sometime soon, but it just isn't happening. It isn't happening, and the Cs and Ds I got at Prelims, pre-moderation, were what I got when I was working at my hardest. Not that that was much at all, as compared to what the others are doing. My mind takes a zero-tolerance approach to studying, I'm really really really not the mugger type. I lost what little I had gained after the Prelims and it's all gone now. I'm really not meant for this. I'm still blogging for goodness' sake.

Maybe for Econs I can pin my hopes on the bell curve, but the only other students that take the Renaissance Lit paper are from - wait for it - RJ and Hwa Chong. Okay seriously. My class, 2AH, is competing against the cream of the crop. I'm a tiny unnoticeable sad grain of wheat barely out of the soil....or whatever. I was at the 28th percentile in my cohort for Lit for both the Term and H2 exams. Of course, now I've got amazing seniors to inject doses of genius into my bloodstream, but my essays just aren't working out. I've lost what little I had. I need to start getting more than 14/25.

Are there other JCs that offer ELL other than AC, RJ, CJ and Hwa Chong? I'm competing against people with amazing skill, with insane drive. The competition is far too strong. I'm losing what little essay-writing skills I had. I'm trying to do more essays now, but I realise I've also lost my content knowledge in all my subjects. I need to go back to my notes again. No time no time no time fourteen more days and I'm trying to get the drive to study but I don't know. I've never been a mugger. Time to start running, zooming, full-speed to try and regain what I lost at Prelims and work towards 16, then 18, then 19/25 essays.

Gosh.

Calm the heart calm the heart calm the heart

with God's reassurance

and leehom ballads and slow quiet songs