Everyone knows I should give up

I just... I don't know why I'm so bent on needing to hear you say it. To hear you say you don't like me. And I need to know why things changed all of a sudden. It was just too abrupt, too extreme to me, and seemingly without reason. I can't let go until then.

Once upon a time I was certain you didn't feel anything for me anymore, and tried my best to give up, and succeeded for a short while. But I was wrong.

Of course, it's plain obvious how different things are now as compared to before - I just really, really want to know why.

Letting go of this - and sticking to the decision to let go - is a big and tough choice to make, after five months of heart-soaring and heart-crashing, that will involve a lot more pain and hurt. And then the cycle begins all over again - how my heart's willing to leech on to anyone, people I know I would never like if I were sane.

The one thing that's good about having my heart taken by someone - whether it's reciprocated or not - is that I can truly treat my other guy friends like friends. I could hug any other guy and not feel a thing, whether disgust or blind attraction, because my heart's taken. When it's free, my mind becomes crazy, my feelings become crazy, it's disgusting.