My heart's racing with indignance

but I keep my cool.

I think my strong opinions are getting in the way between me and my friendships too much. There's always something I don't agree with, something I just can't laugh along with the rest of them about, something that makes me think of God... or the earth because I'm very environmentally-conscious. It's one thing to stand up for what you think is right, but what if it's at the expense of the security and comfort you feel around your friends?

Then I just keep it in and try to bury that little bit of unease creeping into my mind.

-

I think I'm far too sensitive. Every day I go to school and a lot of little things make me wonder if I'm already screwing up my social life in AC. I really hope I'll have a good two years here with great friends; I'll never be in a class again. I'm eternally grateful to God for having Amelia and Geraldine in my class.

But I was trying to mix with the others initially - and succeeding, I must say, until Amelia told me 'making friends is over-rated'. (I'm not blaming Amelia for anything at all). Then I got really happy and hopeful, and slipped back into my quiet anti-social comfort zone with my two Crezdance mates. But I can't solely rely on the both of them forever. Now they've got other friends too and I will never restrict them because of my selfishness. They're blessed with the ability to socialise in their unique ways. Amelia beautifully reaches out to people one at a time; Geraldine sends the class howling in laughter with her antics.

Me? I'm always tagging behind, not knowing what to say, not daring to ask because I'm always oblivious to the gossip and people around me anyway.

I'm nothing more than a shadow. I'm quietly listening to their conversations, smiling along, laughing along, occasionally trying hard to be a part of things (every single time I do it I'm trying hard), but I know it makes no difference if I'm there or not. Maybe I need to step out and start talking to others again. Try to socialise. But I feel like it's too late. I can't do anything about it anymore. I don't want to.

It reminds me a little of cell group. At Settlers' Cafe, Jason told me that he noticed I was trying to socialise pretty much until Maddie came, pissed because she was late and because of the sudden turn of events for her, and I stuck with her for the rest of the day. It's almost like it's other people pulling me down. But when the people I feel comfortable with aren't around I feel too pressurised to socialise. It's not easy for me.

Or am I just making excuses? I don't know. I can't remember how it was like for me when school first started, when I first got to know my OG and on the first day I was with my classmates.

I feel pressurized when everyone already knows one another. That's why I feel it's too late now, even though we've only known each other for a month.