Oct 3, 2009

Life sucks when you screw it up at a young age.

I don't suffer from pre-menstrual syndrome. I suffer from post-menstrual syndrome.

I saw the pictures of you and him and the sweetness and intimacy and love killed me.

I remember once you and he and I and JL were on the train together, he said he was getting off and you said okay bye and I heard a kiss. And I was thankful I hadn't looked up.

The most irritating thing about it is that there's no undoing it. My confused feelings keep haunting me and I hate that. No matter how hard I try to run, there's no hiding.
I'm at a different emotional stage now. I'm not missing as much. It's more of wishing it never happened, or wishing that wrenching in my heart would die down. I hate seeing sweet couples. And no I won't get into a relationship for a long time, I hope - I don't want to cause unnecessary hurt to myself again.

Why does something sweet have to end so tragically? I think I'm going to become like Amanda Wingfield, really. So devastated that she becomes delusional. If only we loved each other a little less, if only we had ended this a little earlier, if only we could still remember how much hurt and confusion the arguments caused. Maybe then will we be happier, maybe we'll be able to move on easier.

Shit I can't believe I'm thinking about ____. Maddie knows. I hope it's just a phase that will fade when I leave Crescent.

Someone kill my heart. Now.

As if managing my own feelings weren't enough, you said this:

"I know in my heart my plead to be back with you...
But I know it never will happen...
And so I continue acting...
Maybe that's why I have no feelings for other people..."

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