i should just go drown myself.

crap i don’t know what i’m doing anymore.
during the first quarter of the year i was still so hardworking, i could understand everything, i did all my homework diligently and handed in everything on time, i was a bit stressed but i could handle it because i could manage my time properly.
now everything’s falling apart-
i’m not doing my homework anymore, i don’t bother about schoolwork, and i hate school. i guess it’s partly because my closer friends are outside of school. but seriously, i don’t understand a single thing and i don’t bother clarifying stuff. mid years are next week, and i haven’t even started STUDYING. i should at least be organizing my notes now, but i haven’t even made notes for everything yet. i just can’t bother. i just feel like running away and quitting school so much, i don’t know why.
i hate Singapore. it’s so stressful, so fast-paced, everyone’s struggling to keep up and everything. we all hate our lives, there’s not much to enjoy when you’re dying of stress all the time.
when you go to sec 1, you think it’s rather stressful and people go “wait till you go to sec 2.” and later it becomes “wait till you go to sec 3” and “wait till you go to sec 4”. and then you complain to a senior about the stress of preparing for o levels, how you’ve got so much work given to you that the teachers don’t even have the time to mark it, how you have to complete three test papers and two compositions in a day and you come home at 8pm, etc. and you expect your senior to sympathize with you, and reassure you that after o levels, you can relax all you want.
and then your senior says “oh wait till you get to jc.”
it’s never ending, life just gets tougher. there’s no break. even our one-month term holidays are taken up by school and cca; this june holidays, we only have one week free. OUT OF FOUR WEEKS, WE ONLY HAVE ONE WEEK FREE! WTH?!
get my point?
i’m just crumbling under the pressure.
plus i guess this is the wrong time. i can’t stop thinking about dear when i’m doing my work. and we end up meeting each other whenever we have time. like we’re meeting every school day this week because we don’t have cca or whatever. when we have cca (mon and thu), we meet on tuesdays, wednesdays and fridays. our time is all completely taken up but we really can’t live without seeing each other.
and when we’re not meeting up, we talk on the phone. there’s no time for schoolwork. my emotions just get the better of me and i’ve lost the ability to control it. i used to be able to forget all my thoughts and just concentrate on schoolwork, but now i’m just thinking about dear all the time. i can’t concentrate anymore.
school’s such a sucker, such a bore. after school, i can look forward to meeting dear and friends outside of school, where i can really have a good time and forget about stress. i hate to think about schoolwork. schoolwork just never ends. once you’ve finally completed some logarithms exercise and feel so accomplished because it took you weeks to understand what the teacher was talking about, he teaches another topic you completely don’t understand and piles more homework on your table, and the cycle just repeats again. it’s so irritating. why can’t it just all be completed together? why do we have to keep suffering? is this what life’s supposed to be about?
we only have one life; why aren’t we able to at least enjoy it a bit? we should live each day to the fullest. we shouldn’t be feeling so stressed and miserable all the time, it’s like wasting your life away. there was this guy who died the day before his o level results were released, and it turns out he got 6 points. it’s such a waste, isn’t it? why bother?
and thus i’m giving up, i’m not bothering to study anymore.
and then i’ll fail my mid-years, and then my parents will be outraged because i didn’t get As for everything, and they won’t let me join OB anymore and take away privileges (i’m guessing it will be my handphone and the house phone, because they keep screaming at me to get off the phone and stop sms-ing). and then i’ll have no life. and then i’ll scream and probably just kill myself, because without ob, i won’t be able to see my closest friends, people who actually understand me, and i won’t have anything to look forward to anymore. i look forward to Wednesdays because it’s the day i can sing for a whole two hours, and talk to other people with a deep passion for music. without ob, i’ll just be That Emo Loner again.
i feel so suffocated in school. OB’s the time when i really feel free. without ob, my life would be so deprived of music – what i love the most, and i’d die.
seriously, i don’t know what i’m doing anymore.
i’m screwing my life up and i don’t know how to fix it, shitshitshitshitshit.