Nov 27, 2016

when you're gone

whenever i walk past the place, i always look up and imagine you falling, falling, stopped. once i counted the floors. today i remembered your mum saying that the wind carried you, that God was merciful, because you'd have landed on the concrete otherwise. sarah told me that a few days ago mannie left a flower where you died. i miss you. and i hope you are well, that a heaven exists so that it can exist for you.

Nov 12, 2016

天冷就回来



i push open the window.
the wind plays at my ankles, it tickles my feet
as i behold the world below.

a breath. a leap. i go
i fall, i fall, i fall
and then i soar, i soar,
flying towards the arms of my Father
my fate sealed forevermore.

my gaze transfixed on the glorious heaven, it requires strength to look away
but i steal a gaze backward, back on the once-me lying in a bush.
people are gathered over the body. they are crying, one's hand is over his mouth and my mother is wailing but i don't understand,
don't they know, can't they see, how happy i am now?
look, ma, look! look i'm soaring, my body is made new. no grazes, no cuts.
the dishevelled me you are sobbing over, the hand unnaturally twisted and the eyes rolled back,
that is not me. that you once knew, but now i am here, i am flying to the Father, ma.
I am safe now. I am loved. In this place there is freedom and joy.



Wilt thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt thou forgive that sin, through which I run,
And do run still, though still I do deplore?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

Wilt thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sin their door?
Wilt thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallow'd in, a score?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
But swear by thyself, that at my death thy Son
Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore;
And, having done that, thou hast done;
I fear no more.

- A Hymn to God the Father, John Donne

Nov 3, 2016

washed ashore

"if I take the wings of the morning / and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, / even there Your hand shall lead me, / and Your right hand shall hold me"


they say life is either the greatest curse, or the greatest gift


the love of my life invites me to walk on the beach. the sun is a gentle kiss and the sky is bluer than the bluest eyes and there is only delight in my heart, a sparkly summer fizz the colour of strawberries. i laugh as i hold his hand and he tightens his grip, warm. he urges us to walk towards the waves. i am hesitant - you never know what the waves might bring - the blue-green water contains all sorts of strange and prickly things. but he wants to go. he happily urges me on. my heart gives way, fizzy bubbly, our path goes a little diagonal and our feet criss cross and the waves are lapping nearer, nearer, the white foamy bubbles tickle my toes i dip my left foot in

a flash of a sting, lightning it bites burns

shock

i stand still for a second, the pain cutting off all thought and processing abilities

he doesn't move he only stands there with his hand over his mouth but his eyes spell sadness and not surprise

"did you know this was going to happen?"

"i-"

"YOU KNEW"

"it was not my intention"

"YOU KNEW." i whimper, fear creeping over like a black slimy monster. i let go. i cannot touch his hand anymore, it is poison, i cannot trust him. i back away - further into the water - his hand remains where it was but i cannot reach out any longer -

a mighty wave rushes in and sweeps me off my feet. i stumble, my butt is on the floor, i am being dragged away by the blue-green tide i cannot feel my legs and everything is a foamy rush but i think his hand is holding on to my arm i can't be sure? i don't want his hand i don't want it

but the alternative is floating out at sea, alive but worse than death-

hold on to me


i am choking, sputtering, a flat sprawling mess on the ground. the waves still wash ashore, they slow down and they halt at the level of my nostrils, and they recede again. everything is numb but there is a different numb somewhere on my right arm. He will not leave me abandoned, He will not let me go.