I'm gonna sleep really early for once!! :D

938Live on Campus News Radio Forum was fun. :D It was just amusing to hear the ACJC students talk really fast and then the two external panel speakers talk very slowly. Whoops.

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor

It's a quarter after one

I'm all alone and I need you now

It's 5.23 and I haven't even printed my PI yet

Just a funny thought: I might actually be late for school thanks to PI, not even because I overslept or anything.

PI is no longer 22/7 in JC - it's 24/7.

It's freaking 4.30am now and I'm supposed to get up at 5 to go to school, my PI's still too lengthy and the perfectionist me wants to do a nice nice final draft with nice text boxes and all that rubbish. I still have to print it all.

I can't afford to sleep (that much) in classes anymore... I'll get picked on. "You, Council nominee!" Stupid PI.

Deep Thought

Do you realise that most people are so different from who they seem to be? In fact, a lot of us are the complete opposite on the outside from who we are on the inside.

She seems blur and very innocent but is actually very much in the know; she's just being cautious. He behaves like one of those jock jerks but is actually so emotional and a sucker for sweet romance. She's so laid-back and boisterous but is actually very insecure and desperately afraid of friendlessness.

She's laughing crazily - and then it sounds a bit exaggerated. And then suddenly tears start flowing and she's bawling her heart out. And then she admits that the first thought that came to her mind when she saw 'that sharp thing' was to put it to her neck. And I know I can't do anything to stem the flow of black, black tears and stifle the wails of weeks of torment and the loneliness of having even all her best friends joining the movement against her and her mother only adding to the hurt.

-

I've come to realise that a lot of us actually appear to be the opposite of who we really are on the inside. You want to cover up your insecurities - not just for others, but more so for yourself, and replace them with who you wish to be - a you without those particular insecurities at all. In trying to change that aspect of us sometimes we go a little overboard - that hole you were trying to fill up is now too full. From hole to flat ground to a molehill - you bring your insecurity to the other extreme. For example, the guy everyone thinks is an insensitive, rowdy, immature jerk is actually one who reflects deeply, who would die for a sweet kiss under the moonlight.

If I were to be myself... I would read up on and talk freely about philosophy, environmental issues, astronomy and my own thoughts, thoughts like these; things most people don't have the slightest interest in discussing. (Whoever's actually reading this, thank you.)

I wouldn't laugh on cue at things others find funny - because I usually don't find them funny - but I'd laugh like crazy at the slightest, randomest-seeming things, because it's those that are really hilarious to me somehow. I guess I'm weird that way.

I would...sing Justin Bieber's and Taylor Swift's and JJ's and Leehom's songs and jump on the canteen table as and when I feel like it. I would sit on the classroom floor when I feel like it. I would hyperventilate every two minutes. I would randomly get up and start jumping and waving my hands in the air because I'm tired of sitting.

I really would, you know. What am I like now?

Crescent

I'm here at the nice place behind the canteen, with the seesaws and table soccer and the random exercise bicycle that I highly suspect still doesn't work. There's the sound of piano-playing coming from the mini forum and the screaming of girls in their dri-fit tees in the field. I see juniors with Tablet PCs and a pang of nostalgia hits me - oh, how I miss my cracked, creaky, old tablet. I hear the PE whistle - more screaming and laughing.

Ooh, cute SJI boy looks back at me - he's probably here for the music elective programme. I see a Councillor sitting at a table a distance away, sitting unglamly like an ah beng. I want to laugh. "Girls, please sit properly when you're doing your O Levels in the hall... we don't want to hear any complaints from the male external examiners."

I hear noisy cranes and machines in the background - they're building the useless indoor sports hall. I see a girl with teary eyes being guided to the fitness corner by a friend. Ah, the beauty of innocent, true friendship in secondary school.

What's missing is the sound of all the Band members practicing their own parts in various parts of the school (resulting in a somewhat melodious mess that follows one everywhere in the compound).

Screaming and running and unglamness and blouses of a gross shade of yellow. I don't feel at home, though. I'm alone here and there's no Dance practice for me to crash. I feel lonely in my wonderful alma mater; there's nobody to take in all these sights and sounds with me right now. I'm thinking of Yingyan. Joan. Jenna. My wonderful dance Laoshi whom all of us miss terribly.

I look at the girls in the field and wonder if they'll feel the rush of love and nostalgia all of us experience when we come back after we've graduated. I wonder how many of them are still despising the fact that there are no guys here - do they realise how wonderful and precious the memories of being in a girls' school will be in time to come?

What do I miss most about Crescent? Having our very own classroom, the place we have all our lessons and where we can do whatever we want freely (just don't tell the teachers) - change our clothes openly, sleep in the weirdest, most contorted positions on the floor, scream and laugh and sing and run around (Remember Cuixiao's old Chinese songs?), blast music, have random H2H chats with pals, lie on tables, do all the stupiest things ever -

Your classroom's a place you develop a relationship with, your own personal space in the one place where you spend 7-12 hours every schoolday for four years . Not having a classroom thanks to the homeroom system in JC makes me feel homeless in this "second home".

-Environmental activist mode 8) -

I found the perfect Facebook page for the tree-hugging, environment-loving, paper-recycling me:

"A paper cut is a tree's last revenge."

Flings with love

When I saw that chemistry, I immediately thought "wth". And then I thought...omg.

I need that.

-

One-liners were okay. I'm pretty sure we screwed up the waves we had practised so much for though.

Yes, so i went on stage and said "Hi, I'm KAAAAren and I CAAARE for you!" and that was followed by an attempt to wink (I ended up closing both eyes, stupid me, I knew that would happen). I think I said the line too fast, though, and didn't really emphasize much on the KAR and CARE, so some people probably didn't get it. But whatever, it's over. Geraldine's was really cute. The thumb-sucking was appaerently just for Timothy Mah.

I think Isaac (You Hyun Ho)'s one-liner was really cute, "Council isn't just about me, myself and I; it's about you, so vote for You!" and I remembered Pauline's entire one-liner after hearing it for the first time ("Hi ACJC! If you like to eat pau, then vote for me! Because I am a line of paus - Pau-Line! But please, call me Pauline.") I really liked Ghee Wei's one-liner ("The only way to vote for Council is Ghee Wei!") and a few others I can't recall right now. Anyway, I think it was pretty okay. I do hope I make it in.

The only actual friend I made during Council so far. Actually maybe Yuinyi would count too, because despite being half-classmates for two years, I never really spoke to her much until now. And May-Ann would count as a friend I made in Council too, I suppose, although I doubt we're close enough to be considered real friends yet - she's just a super nice and friendly and cute girl I hope I get to know better.

-

Pouring out my problems to Derrick after Math and to Joanne after Dance was great. I was feeling really moody before Math and I started laughing like crazy at Derrick in class; I think that helped a lot. It's great to be able to talk freely about your problems without having to worry about anything leaking out and random people finding out; it's a scary world here in AC. It's great to know that despite feeling super left out and close-friend-less and anti-social here in a world of gossip and slander where I have to watch my back and everything I do or say, there are still people who care for me, understand me and accept me for who I am, people who love me and whom I don't feel pressurised to be someone else around. It's fantastic. Thanks Der and Joanne. And I'll heed your advice, I really will try.

-

Editorial Board was a blast (for once). During our journalism workshop we were supposed to pretend it was the release of the A Level results and record an interview of a few people. Nicholas was the top scorer, Sarah Pang was the gangster (name: Claudius Khoo Jing Quan, HAHAH) whose life was turned around after befriending Nicholas, I was the cleaning aunty who was also the gangster's aunt and Esther was the interviewer and the discipline mistress.

The interview was hilarious; Sarah and I probably lost 2kg laughing our asses off.

Esther (interviewer): So how do you feel about your A level results?
Nicholas: I think they were spectacular, yah, spectacular... stellar, really...

Nicholas was so awesome in saying all that crap with a straight face and the stuff he said was hilarious (He said something about his father giving him his credit card and asking him to get anything he wanted, so he got assessment books and all that and he says it was really good for him, hahaha wth) - but, coming from a scholar and Sconer, and with that straight face, I actually could have believed everything he said about his stupid crazy study habits and all that rubbish, in which case I would have freaked out at his studiousness.

I hope I'm able to get an audio copy of the interview, it's worth keeping; I laughed so, so hard. So yes, I was the cleaner who commented that I used to see Claudius going to the toilet during lesson time a lot, and when I asked him why, he'd say the teacher's speeches gave him diarrhea or something stupid like that. And then one day I sat him down and told him that the A Levels were coming soon and he had to start working hard and do something about his bowel problem, and then he befriended Nicholas and suddenly started making much less frequent trips to the washrooms.

Anyway, yes. Editorial was actually really fun.

-

Major problem. Now that I'm only in the J1 dance for the Dance concert (*shoots self*, I really wish I was able to audition for Miss Wee's dance but it clashed with Council rehearsals), I only have to go for Dance on Mondays. Thing is, Editorial Board's on Mondays too, and I really don't think I should skip this journalism course sessions that I paid $128 in total for. But I don't want to lose out or cause everyone unnecessary trouble in Dance by not being there when I should either. This is bad, bad bad bad.

Tomorrow I'll be winking in front of 1700 people

(if I've got the courage to).

The Little Mermaid

It don't take a word

Not a single word

Go on and kiss the little girl

Once upon a time...

I didn't have pimples.

ACJC, vote please!!!!

JOIN THIS GROUP!!!

(To people who aren't in ACJC and read my blog: Ask your AC friends to vote for me!!! Nomination number = #1 :D)

But that's life

Sometimes I really wonder if I should've gone to Ngee Ann Poly to do Mass Comm and get the NP Scholarship instead.

I miss Cui Xiao, Janey, Su May, Maddie, Rachel and a few others - I've got horribly few close friends. I'm in a desperate need of a H2H talk. I need to see Su May and pour everything out to her until the sun sets and rises again. Sumayyy ): I wish we had the time.

I keep wishing I could start this all over again

Sometimes I think I'm trying far too hard. Other times I know I'm still invisible anyway.

Precisely because nobody goes there

After the longest hiatus ever, I've revived my Livejournal. I've come to realise, after being in this school for two months, that I do need a personal blog.

Boo, insecurities and cheap friendships and gossip and double-faces. And gossip.

I know what it's like to be someone other people are talking about. Even if it's just for a minute or two and it's never brought up again, people remember. It's what's on people's minds when they're talking to you, it's what keeps them from being able to build a genuine friendship with you. And it sucks. And so I've resolved not to give in to peer pressure and not to gossip or say bad things about people. I shall keep my negative comments to myself and openly praise or be understanding, just like how I used to. I mustn't compromise on my values and stick to what I know is right even when everyone else happily indulges in gossip.

And it's just scary when someone keeps commenting about how a certain person sucks and all but they're frequently seen talking to one another too. And I think, so what do you think about me? I'm a person who likes straightforwardness. It's bitter but at least you don't live in denial and make that person more irritated. If you don't like someone, don't hang out with her. Trash it out with her and let her know what you can't stand, so that she will be aware of it. It's doing her a favour. It's better than letting her make a fool of herself continuously while you laugh or roll your eyes inside and the rest of us know what everyone else's thinking. Do the poor friend a favour. What if you were her?

After all, the only people who deserve to be bitched about are those who bitch.

Remember the astronomy-crazy me?

Not having a phone sucks

When I think about your story my heart wrenches. I remember how I felt when I first heard about it - your dad's death and mum's illness, working through your Sec 4 Prelim period to support your family, having an aim and ending up being one of the top students in your neighbourhood school, your elation at the thought of being able to make it into your dream college - the school I'm in now - but giving it up for something less because it was nearer your workplace and you wanted to save on travelling fares.

You're a great, great guy.

DIE DIE DIE

HELLO EVERYONE PLEASE DON'T CALL OR SMS ME, I LOST MY PHONE.

I know right.... it's new okay. My phone marked the start of my JC life. URGH. I lost my skirt that had my phone and EZ-link card inside it. It was in the toilet together with my blouse and PE shorts; when I realised that my stuff were still in the toilet an hour later I went to get them and everything was there except my skirt. That means whoever stole it was a girl, freakkkk.

I'll probably just be getting another lousier phone without a touch screen 'cos I don't have the money to get the same model again.

Good morning

It's 2.50AM, I have to get up at 6 for Speech Day, I only got 2.5 hours' sleep yesterday, tomorrow (or, rather, today)'s gonna be a long day because after Speech Day and piano lesson I'll be going for Mayday's concert, I've got the biggest pile of homework ever but I suspect it'll be left untouched best because I'm incredibly busy this weekend, and I've just spent all my time drawing our badge and doing four campaigning posters.

I'm really proud of my posters though. Sure, they may not be the prettiest, but I've always thought my creativity skills were below zero. Maybe I've been inspired by Charmaine's very awesome Haunted House publicity and GP Week videos.

I need sleep.

It's alright

Decades later when we're working and have a family, we'll look back on these seemingly unendingly horrible, hopeless moments and laugh.

Hello sleepless nights, goodbye drawstrings

I'm not happy with it and it's something I don't like telling people about (but I know I have to, and soon I'll have to proclaim it to everyone in the school as well).

When I looked at the list and realised something wasn't right, I panicked. And I just kept looking through the list again and again. I couldn't accept it.

And then other guys started crowding around the list and shouting their friends' names out happily and I couldn't take it anymore.

I think you deserve this much more than I do. I know you're really passionate about this and I have no doubt that you're capable of doing a fantastic job, better than everyone else. They should've seen that.

I wasn't happy at all. At all. Not that I'm not happy about making it past the auditions, of course, but truthfully speaking, I'd rather you get in than me.

If only I could fight for this, for justice, if only I were able to find a way to make negotiations. I don't want you not to be in this.

Now when people congratulate me I just can't smile genuinely. It doesn't bring me happiness or pride to be congratulated. I feel sick.

"I don't feel happy at all... I feel so terrible."

"Why? You should be happy, you worked hard for it."

Something Amelia said that I actually agree with

"Crescent Dance has taught me a lot. I learnt it the hard way. But I'm glad. Because every single rash decision that I made, every wrong thing that I said or did, gave me shit. But I learnt from it, made friends through it and I'm really glad for that."

LIKE! LIKE! LIKE! Looking back at how embarrassingly horrible I was at being a Discipline Mistress at first and how I slowly grew in my role and in my love for Dance and in learning to rely on God, I must say Crescent Dance has brought me very, very far.

If not for my leadership role in Dance - if Guin had not fought for me for some weird reason - I wouldn't have been forced to see the beauty of Crescent Dance and would probably have left not treasuring the experience, I wouldn't be OG or Class Rep, I wouldn't be in AC Dance, I would be very timid and unwilling to put forth my opinions in group discussions and the thought of trying out for Council would NEVER have crossed my mind.

And we're stuck in Singapore

FREEGEENGNUNU, I WANT TO GO TO EUROPE

http://photo.newsweek.com/2010/3/europe.html Oh FML, I'm looking at all these places and my heart's crying. I want to do print journalism in the future - that means lots of work and not much pay. I love to travel. Guess that means I should plan to do what I've always been against - marry a rich man.

OMG, SOMEONE FROM PAKISTAN CAME TO MY BLOG TODAY

AND ONE FROM UNITED STATES AND ONE FROM AUSTRALIA!

Hello, REVEAL YOURSELVES on my tagboard please! Omg, so interesting O:

(Australian person who came today, are you Audrey?)

-

Amelia says:

imma die man, like zrzly

UGHHH

ZCHOOL ZUCKZ

Malfunctioning S key HAHAHAHA

By the way,

No matter what, I love ACJC and my wonderful class.

Regret not applying for the Humanities scholarship because I couldn't be bothered to write the essay. What if I don't get the English Scholarship? I'll emo and hate myself for being lazy.

Ugly ugly me, but there's nothing I can do about looks. I must smile more.

Going to Delta Sports Complex for our PE lesson to support our Hockey girls was fun.

It was the first time in 11 years AC Hockey had entered the finals, and VJ had been the defending champions for 7 years already, but whatever, had fun cheering!

AND JANEY HAS BRACES!! Minyee and Janey (who are now in VJ) and Sheena and I sat together in the middle of both schools at the top of the bleachers for a while. And this bunch of Crescentians came - to support their seniors, I guess.

What I found very striking was the fact that there were a lot of Crescent Hockey players in my batch who are now in VJ and AC Hockey, so ex-teammates were basically playing against one another now. Ex-Crescent Hockey mates were now blocking one another on the pitch; it was kind of sad to witness. I wonder how they must've felt. Especially with Christabel (AC) - Crescent Hockey's ex-captain - and Sarah Kate (VJ) who was their Hockey senior. Imagine ex-Crescentians who are now in different JCs fighting over the same ball.

It was especially bad when the match was over and the AC Hockey girls were crying together while, not far away, the VJC girls were celebrating. I mean, of course it's expected, but to see the ex-Crescent Hockey girls divided into two, with half of them celebrating and the other crying, was just painful. ):

Friday Night: Shakespeare's As You Like It!

I think the ACSian Theatre production was really good. It was entirely in the original text i.e. Old English, which meant all of us were pretty lost at least half the time. But it was still really really good. We really admire the girl who played Rosalind, Priscilla Yang. I mean, no joke okay, they did the whole freaking play and she had to memorize ALL THOSE LINES. I mean, the play was more than 2.5 hours long (including interval = 3 hours) and she had hell of a lot of lines.

(By the way, on the Wikipedia page about the play, "Orlando" is mentioned 15 times; "Rosalind" is mentioned 29 times!)

So yup, memorizing Rosalind's lines must've been hell.

The only quote I can remember from Hamlet is "He has made many tenders of affection to me", and the only reason I remember that is because Dave had to read it out during Lit class because he was pretending to be Ophelia.

Monday's Mass PE: from wheelbarrowing on the track! It was actually much redder than it looks in the photo. In fact, it's still a little red now, one and a half days later.

Mmm, school is good.

OH OH OH

JJ'S ON BAI WAN DA GE XING!!!!

OMG MY JJ'S MEGA CUTE MEGA CUTE

Politics politics politics

To be honest, I never knew the other meaning of that word before this year.

"I'd rather not say who because she's in this school"

"What's she doing here"

"Don't say that, someone will get killed"

"I think she's afraid she'll have no friends"
"She's such a bitch, her attitude is disgusting"

...And then they're still hanging out together like as if she never said anything bad about her.

Makes me worry a lot about myself and what my own friends might be saying.

And then wait, I get criticised for being too naive and innocent, for not knowing what's going on and not noticing people, for thinking everyone's all pure and good and nice. But I don't see anything wrong with that. I prefer to keep an innocent, good impression of everybody, and my life is happier that way. I'm happy and the world's all fine and nice and everything's good. I don't want to be involved in a world of gossip and negative opinions and scrutiny. It'd make my life a much unhappier, more tainted one.

And when people criticise me for all that, that's what I say. That I prefer to keep a positive, understanding opinion of everyone and my life's much happier and more innocent that way. And then I get the "Uhh, what the heck?"s again. But I seriously mean it, so accept that my life's happier than yours.

A quote from a friend's blog

Doubt he knows I read his blog and I doubt he reads mine, but if you happen to see this, Cheena Buddy, hope you don't mind me quoting...

"There's something about (his secondary school) you can't explain. As much as we complained abt the sch, we loved it. That's what I realised. I miss the days there. Everything now just seems so harsh. It's a dog eat dog, fish eat fish, human eat human world here. It's sinister. It's harsh. It's barren. It's cruel."

Thought it was only like that in my point of view. Yeah, it is a scary place here. The Crescent spirit is somewhat like the spirit of my present class. In Crescent.....I don't know. There was warmth, freedom, bond, genuineness and true friendships. I was quite a loner in Crescent because I didn't belong to a clique - in Sec 3 and 4, I only had Cui Xiao - who was also pretty much of a loner - and sometimes Jessie.

But having only one person to stick to in Crescent still felt freer than my present life in ACJC. I'm always feeling like I have to watch my back and be careful about what I'm saying and to whom, to feel like there's something that keeps me from smiling as genuinely and freely as I'd like to to someone - perhaps gossip or a personal opinion that someone had told me in a hushed voice before.

ACJC is good, yes, and I absolutely love my class. Yet it's such a scary, cruel world. I'm afraid of making a mistake, of losing my footing. I'm afraid people will start talking if I happen to do something wrong or weird. When I say something stupid I immediately sense the tension of people's thoughts firing. It's scary. I feel like I'm losing my right to be wrong.

I've done a lot of stupid, stupid, humiliating, gossip-worthy things in the past four years, but so was everyone else. We were all doing stupid things, making mistakes and growing and learning together. It was fine. You were, in a way, "forgiven". Now in JC I feel like i can't afford to make mistakes anymore. People will laugh, people will talk. And when others talk to me I wonder what they're thinking about me.

What happened to trueness and purity? If thoughts of gossip had a sound, the walls of the school would crumble with the screams of slander.

-
What I say can get me into some sort of trouble sometimes, but what, it's my opinion and it's something true and it's something we thus should not avoid / pretend to be non-existent.

Wanna know the real reason?

I'm afraid of the bitching.

I think I've become very afraid of it, even though nobody has done so about me (I hope). A laugh, a snigger as I happen to walk past, someone turning to whisper something in someone else's ear, voices becoming hushed when I come near, someone turning around to look at me - or not, even, sometimes. I mean, I HAVE NO REASON TO BE AFRAID AND I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG (I'm like, you know, 杯弓蛇影ing i.e.having an irrational fear), but it's just like that. I had this problem in lower sec, and then in sec 3 when I became the discipline mistress and I knew a lot of people were pretty shocked, doubtful of my ability and angry about that. Then my confidence grew as God grew in me, but now this weird illogical fear is coming back. With you guys, it's understandable though.

The trees have too many ears. The ears are also malfunctioning ones, by the way, ears that amplify and distort what they hear.

But

"If you can't handle me at my worst,

then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"

- Marilyn Monroe

Wish it were a less cruel, dog-eat-dog world though. Some things I wish I had the courage and fearlessness to do.

Will blog about As You Like It and AC's Hockey finals and Church when I can!

Poly vs JC

I was reading the Straits Times section about Poly high-flyers. There was something about a RGS and RJC student who score 10A1s in her O Levels (SERIOUSLY, WTHWTH) and then got 4As in her A level subjects, a distinction for her S-paper and an A1 for GP. Then she went to SMU, "aided by a scholarship", before she decided to drop out and go to Ngee Ann Poly to study early childhood education. She then got an almost-perfect GPA of FREAKING 3.99 (highest possible score is 4). Like, omg, talk about being gifted.

And here's a crazy one: "When Dr Lindi Tan graduated with first-class honours in biochemistry from London's Imperial College five years ago, she scored not one, but five, prestigious scholarships to overseas her studies. In the end, she turned down the offers from Oxford, Cambridge, Cornell and Imperial College and chose Johns Hopkins University". And she was a graduate of Ngee Ann Poly.

The main thing that caused me to rethink my decision to study Mass Comm in Ngee Ann after the O Levels was the modules in the course. In the entire first year, only one measly module was about writing / print journalism. Everything else was related to broadcast journalism, advertising & PR and other stuff like graphic design. The Mass Comm course is very very focused on broadcast journalism, in which I have no interest. I can't talk well and know my strengths lie in writing more than anything. In fact, I think I write in Chinese better than I talk in English. Talking as in for stuff like radio and broadcasting, of course. And we all know my Chinese is horrible. (I hate not being able to answer Dave's vocabulary queries during Chinese class because I'm supposed to be his Chinese helper or something.)

So yes, I wanted something that would help me write better and teach me to think critically, and after a lot of consideration and reading up of Singapore Poly's Mass Comm brochure as well, I decided JC would be a better choice because I knew studying Literature would help me a lot in my critical thinking skills (of which I have none) and English Language and Linguistics would definitely benefit me greatly in my future career in print journalism.

The thing is..... I don't know how many JC grads go to overseas universities, and I definitely hear about A LOT more Poly grads going to overseas universities than JC grads. So many JC grads end up in NUS and NTU, but I've yet to know of anyone who went overseas after JC, apart from the crazy geniuses who went to Oxford, Harvard, Princeton etc. What's more, Poly grads get a year or more off in university because they've already learnt the things the people will be taught in that year or so, so they get to pay less school fees. Overseas school fees are expensive and my parents probably wouldn't be able to afford them, especially if I'm thinking of going to the UK. I'm not keen on going to a university in Singapore at all, especially because I want to do something like Media and Communications. I need new experiences and a new environment, I need more exposure, I need to learn to be more vocal and opinionated - a skill I would definitely be more able to acquire overseas. During my Channel Newsasia Journalism trip to Hong Kong, I talked to Roland Lim the news reporter and he strongly advised me to go to a university overseas too. Trust the man.

I'm one of the few JC students who's aiming to go to an overseas university like the University of Melbourne / Australian National University / if I dare hope, the University of Sheffield. But having parents who can't afford my university education overseas (if we're talking about England, they wouldn't be able to afford even a year there, please), I'll need something like....a.....scholarship.

I'm talking big here, and it takes me a lot of courage to tell people my true ambitions because I know I probably can't fulfill them. So here.

SO I REALLY WANT TO GET THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ELECTIVE SCHOLARSHIP. INTERVIEW'S NEXT MONDAY AND I'M FREAKING OUT!!!

Amelia's ingeniousness (or stupidity)

For our GP Application Question she wrote a three-page-long essay. Only now does she realise the Application Question doesn't require essay-type responses.

Anyway, Amelia Cheng (I miss calling you Amelia Bimbo Cheng), thank you. For everything you've done and everything to come. I appreciate the little things and remember the seemingly small but actually very big things.

Btw, I know I'm stupid but..

I took a picture of this because I thought one or two of the lines were really beautiful and meaningful, but now I can't remember what it means anymore. In fact, I don't know what a single line means, so I can't even tell which line it was that I liked.

Who's awesomely hot?

I love my class and how we're incredibly bonded. I love us, I love how we laugh like crazy at one another together and crack hilarious jokes and do stupid, stupid things and sing Tik Tok. And camwhore. I love us, I love 1AH and I don't regret coming here. I was thinking about it; I really wanted to go to VJC initially and I was quite pissed with myself upon finding out that they offer ELL there too (ELL was the main reason I came to AC), but now I'd rather be here than anywhere else because I love my Awesomely Hot 1AH.

You know what?

PW is going to be awesome. My group and I. I don't care. We'll make it awesome. During PW, Chen gave cool ideas and Sarah was cool and I, for some reason, immediately switched on the computer to take notes about our different personality traits and stuff, and I think I'll make a good secretary. YES, I SHAN'T BE THE GROUP LEADER, MUAHAHA.

I shall be happy and contented and thankful to God for what he's given me and the lessons He'll be teaching me, and I'll try my very best to be less kanchiong.

-

11pm: You know what, I was thinking about it and I realised this group actually isn't bad at all. In fact I'm actually happy with my group. I'm glad I'm not in the same group as my close friends either (although the fact that all of them are in the same group is still annoying me), because when I'm stressed or irritated I show my ugly side, and my closest friends don't deserve to have to deal with that. Or maybe I'm a little insecure with the friendships because they're still quite new - after all, if I had a choice to do a tough, stressful project with people like Maddie and Jan, they know they're going to get screamed at by me but I'll definitely want to do it with them anyway, 'cos I know we love us no matter what.

But anyway. I still love us all AC friends. To the max.

Anyway, yeah, I actually think our group isn't bad at all. Serious, meticulous, focused freaks like Sarah and I need Chen and Nazi (and I mean the two of them together) to help us loosen up when we're too stressed from time to time. And Sarah will make sure things get done. And I don't care, we'll make a great team.

When you're feeling all alone

"You can talk to me, I shall be your BFF."

Thanks D (:

PW woes

I'm in the same group as Nazi, Sarah and Chen.

I screamed real hard when I realised Chen was in my group and he went "YES! I'VE GOT THE SAIKANG WARRIOR!" but I actually think Chen isn't as bad as I make him out to be lah, I'm sure he'll contribute ideas and do what he has to. But I might get irritated when I see him stoning in a corner although that's actually what he does when he's thinking.

The thing is, both Sarah and Chen say that when they get angry, what they want others to do is to leave them alone and they'll get what they're supposed to do done. When I'm angry, though, it's because I'm not fully aware of what's going on or if we're doing things right and I need people to respond to me. And I'll end up drilling endlessly and talking in a very agitated voice. What a horrible combination. That means all of us must not be angry at the same time or we'll just die.

I think I'm quite a control freak because I'm quite a perfectionist. I'm usually also really stubborn and I have to change that. I'm always afraid we aren't doing things right or they could be done better and I guess that's why I always feel the need to be in the know.

Nevermind, no point worrying about that now. I need to learn to relax.

Geraldine, Amelia and Elgyn are in the same PW group. Together with Dave and Grace. I have VERY VERY few close friends in ACJC and I just hope that as Geraldine, Amelia and Elgyn hang out together a lot more and meet up with one another much more and I'm not there, our friendship won't become distant.

Breaking out breaking out breaking out of my comfort zone. It's a good thing, right? I don't know. Yes, I do want to forge stronger friendships with others in the class and my PW group is giving me the chance to do that, but I don't want to lose the closeness I have to those I'm already good friends with because they're in the same PW group which means they'll be doing things together a lot more too.


KAREN, RELAX

Something noteworthy

I was doing GP...

"Guidance for teachers on the use of restraining violent and disruptive pupils was issued by Mr Balls"

AHAHA.

I really regret not asking Carmen and Zhi Hao to go for As You Like It. Now all the Friday tickets are sold out and I'm so angry at myself. ):

Oh, Council interview.

Not fluent and I spoke with a croaky, mumbly, disinterested-sounding, "uhh wth" voice. That voice. Shoot me shoot me shoot me.

But at least I was able to think of appropriate responses. By God's grace. I'm usually unable to think on my feet (that's why I ended up rambling 1 minute's worth of rubbish about using hand sanitisers and being allergic to dust during the English O Level oral exam when I was asked what I did to keep myself healthy). But I really really do want to be in Council. But when the teacher asked how much I would rate my want to join Council, I said 8.5 out of 10. I wanted to say 9.5 but thought it would be too pretentious. Ah. Whatever. 85% is a Band 1 in primary school. LOL.

When the teacher asked if I was willing to do something about my hair if I got into council, I readily said yes and that in Dance I used a hairband to put all my hair up. And after that I immediately thought omg, omg, oh no oh no oh no.

I used to tie all my hair up in upper primary and lower secondary. I looked like a friggin' freak. Not posting up pictures now because they're in my hard disk that isn't working, but ugh. I want. To hide. My forehead.

Okay, here goes.

That's me, the class rep, BEING VERY UNGLAM WHILE COLLECTING THE CLASS PRIZE ONSTAGE. UGH SO UNGLAM. I MUST NOT RUN MUST NOT RUN, I MUST KEEP MY BACK STRAIGHT, UGH.

OH AND. I went up to collect class prizes twice, and I EXITED FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE STAGE TWICE. So embarrassing. Everyone would walk towards the principal from the left side of the stage and go towards the right side to exit. Stupid me, I would run back to the left side where I came from after collecting the envelope. I did it TWICE okay! Everyone must have been laughing at That Stupid J1 running back to the entrance after getting her envelope. Twice. Malu malu malu.

And check this out.

-

At times like these I begin to think about my friendships and all that could have been. Why I can't seem to socialise as much as the others. Why they all seem to be able to chat endlessly with one another but I can never hold a conversation with them. Why I type so much but just can't talk. It's not like I don't want to talk.

I guess I really should break out of my comfort zone, but I still think it's too late. I came into AC with the aim of being totally unlike the quiet, completely anti-social Crescentian I was, and I think I was on my way to succeeding during Orientation, but then lessons started proper and we were divided into classes and Amelia and Geraldine were there and I totally pulled myself away from the rest of the class. I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have stuck to them for comfort.

Whatever, it can't be changed now. I still want to make great, close friends in JC. I hope I'd have forged strong new friendships by the time I leave AC. But I also really want to be a mugger. And being a mugger requires sacrifices - spending less time with friends, doing homework while the rest of them chat and have fun. I want to mug in school because I'm never able to study at home. I'm the opposite of a closet mugger. I'm a closet slacker.

Weird or what

Check out this article about cops assigned to schools in NY. I mean, that's perfectly fine, but..

"a 12-year-old girl at a junior high school in Queens was arrested for doodling on her desk with an erasable marker. She was paraded out of school in handcuffs and taken to a precinct stationhouse."
"In January 2008, a 5-year-old kindergarten pupil became unruly at a public school in Queens. A public safety officer, seeing her duty, pounced. She handcuffed the boy who was then shipped off to a hospital psychiatric ward."

Stupid policemen, too bored or what?!

Sometimes, cheap thrills actually last

Sheena: She said she doesn't want to go for swimming today.

Dave: Aiyah can lah, she can just tell the coach that she has PMS what.

EPIC! Dave thought PMS meant period hahahahaha. Our class is too much of a joke.

(That's why I'm in it.)

Today was hilarious. With Chen's biting-bottom-lip-and-winking crap and how he pushed Elgyn against the wall like as if he was going to kiss him. Hilarious. Elgyn's horrified expression was epic, the squeezing shut of eyes and turning away and immediate total tensing up as he tried to push himself as much as he could against the wall. Stupid Chen hahaha.

Before assembly today, my wonderful orientation group and I met at the void deck to sing Chris a birthday song and to try Cheryl's cool pancakes!! (And in the end, Cheryl was the latest to arrive because she overslept -.-) Walked with Ching Sheng to school and he commented that Cheryl talks like a "drunk Caucasian" HAHAHAHA. I love my OG and meeting them today for half an hour was cool, even though the 3 "sources of laughter" - Avi, Wesley and Tim - weren't here.

Miss Tan's reaction to my 960 word-long Tia essay (it was supposed to be 200 words):

I just realised I made a few horrible mistakes in my "essay". I shouldn't have assumed Tia went to school because the girls probably didn't go to school then and there; there is no mention of school before Antoinette joins the convent after she leaves the town! And Tia's emotions towards Antoinette seem to change too drastically. I think they do. I mean, the reason they change so quickly is because of her mood swing - everything becomes negative when you're moody - but I don't know if the point's carried across well. And the change is too drastic. I shouldn't have added the first "pathetic-looking". Bahhh.

PROJECT WORK PRELIMINARY IDEAS PROGRESS:

I've thought of an idea but have yet to find the case studies and link stuff and whatever. Today's actually the only day I have to really get things done. Tomorrow's the Council interview (ahh!) and Janice's band concert, and Thursday's dance till 8, and Friday's the deadline. Die die die. Chen says he hopes I'm in his group. I told him that if he's in my group, the number of times I pray for peace per day will increase drastically 'cos only God would be able to help me get through PW with Chen in my team.

WTF

Really disgusted by a bunch of very vulgar guys sitting next to me. I thought hearing that one of them got an SO, CWO and had his parents called up was bad enough.

"Eh did you join 'Are you an Atheist'?" (or something like that)
"Yah"
"Alright join the club man!"
...
"Ohh, piracy ah, how dare you steal information from your fellow atheist! Who are you sending this to?"
"My newly-converted Christian friend"
"Alright man this is awesome"
I pray that guy's faith stays strong. Pray God keeps him close.

Well, anyway, that story the Reverend said during Chapel still stands. So many lives have been dramatically transformed for the better thanks to God but atheism hasn't caused that sort of change and enlightenment in people's lives. Whatever works for you. Christianity works for me. I'm glad I'm not the same girl I was a couple of years back - uncouth and uncaring, going out with a certain someone every day of my exams, etc. I've said it before anyway. Not many would think I've changed a lot since Sec 3 but I know there's a huge change from the inside. It's nice to work towards a greater purpose. It's nice to know there's a God you can rely on, who you can feel the presence of sometimes (and it can get quite overwhelming, causing us to cry and stuff), a God who's in control. It's nice to know that the God of Abraham and Job and Peter and David is the same God who reigns in me.

I don't greatly condemn other religions or atheism; I've got an atheist friend who's a great pal and he isn't morally unsound or anything; he's in RJ and is very nice. I mean, to each his own. Of course, God has also greatly changed my life for the better and I wish more could experience what I've gone through, but that doesn't mean you should incessantly push people towards God because I know that only makes them more averse to the idea of Christianity. What we can do is be a testimony of His goodness in us through our thoughts, actions and character, and constantly thank Him for the works He has done.

Just...don't try to test my faith with stupid questions like how would you know He really existed and rose again or what if God is nothing more than a figment of your imagination, because these questions are only completely answered once you've felt Him. I've felt His presence and that's how I know He exists. Don't question.

Too busy to post, but here's a joke:

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO WRITE A 200-WORD ACCOUNT OF A PART OF WIDE SARGASSO SEA FROM TIA'S POINT OF VIEW (the dress-stealing part) AND I WROTE A THOUSAND-WORD LONG ESSAY.

After shortening, 960 words: (Note: maybe it's a good idea to skip this blog post)

At first, I refused to take notice of the insults that came upon me when the villagers saw that I had made a new friend – Antoinette, or the “white cockroach”, as she was infamously known. I was her first true friend, and she was mine. I was not a part of the group of friends in school – I felt insecure with my poorness around the tall, pretty girls flirting with the big boys. Antoinette was a victim of verbal bully and I was one of insecurity – we understood each other perfectly. We bathed and ate together – she was the only one to whom I was not afraid to reveal that I never wore underclothes; my mother had rather spend the little money we had on other essentials. My dresses were never as clean or neat as hers, but around her I felt acceptance.

The taunts and jeers towards her and me as her friend never stopped. I ignored the nasty mocking by the girls in school, but many a time I would valiantly defend my new friend. I knew Antoinette better than them and she was not the pathetically disgusting dog they made her out to be. She did not seem as poor as they said – she with her pretty, white dress beside my stained, torn ones. She was not of filth. She was a nice girl and a great friend – or so I thought. Our new friendship was as fresh as the clear water we played in; as special as the striped pebbles in the lake; as beautiful the dark green leaves of the trees we slept under at midday. But even the leaves abandon the trees in autumn.

I left the house to meet Antoinette in the morning feeling moody. I had not eaten dinner the previous day – Mummy did not have the money. We need to save everything we’ve got, I was told. Because Mummy was busy, my torn dress went unwashed, reeking with poverty. Antoinette was in her spotless, white dress, starched and freshly ironed. My mood only worsened. That white-black girl and her pretty dress. A few coins dropped out of her pocket. They glistened like gold in the morning sun. I could not understand why the people thought she was poor. Antoinette was a carefree girl, seemed to be unfazed by the insults that came our way when we were together and probably really was not that poor. Lucky Antoinette. Now she was displaying her coins to me on a stone. I thought about my family having gone without meals. That lucky girl; maybe she didn’t realize how fortunate she was as compared to a poor girl like me. Maybe she even found herself deserving of pity because of the never-ending insults hurled upon her. That pathetic-looking, self-pitying, lucky white cockroach with the nice dresses and glistening gold coins.

“Bet you three of the pennies you can’t turn a somersault underwater like you say you can”. She used to brag about it but the proof had yet to be seen. I needed the money more than her anyway. “Bet you all the money I can,” she ended up saying indignantly as I continued to doubt her ability. I smiled.

That wasn’t a somersault, that was a pathetic attempt; she needed to learn her lesson and improve before continuing to brag about it. Besides, pennies weren’t worth much anyway and she could do without them, but I didn’t want to continue going hungry. The girl gave me a glare. I scowled. If only she knew what I was going through and that I needed the money more than her. I wouldn’t reveal it to her, though; my pride wouldn’t let me now.

“Keep them then, you cheating nigger. I can get more if I want to.”

Here I was, hungry from not being able to afford dinner yesterday and dirty in my torn dress, and my supposed best friend had called me a cheat and said she could get more money if she wanted. The filthy white nigger, the one the whole village hated, would not understand, because she was richer than we thought and not as pathetic as she was made out to me. She thought she was pitiful but at least she could afford meals everyday. She wouldn’t understand the insecurity I was dealing with, the secret suffering I was facing. To think I used to boldly defend this girl. Did she even know about the insults I received for being her friend and how I fought back when they talked about her? She was ungrateful.

In a rage, I poured out everything the villagers said about them being poor. They were like beggars, having no money for fresh fish, being unable to repair the holes in the roof of that old house. Nobody came near the poor, filthy white niggers. I shouted a storm. I wanted this girl to know what it felt like to be poor. Like me. If only she knew half of my problems. I wanted her to feel hated, insecure, desperately poor like they said – because then would she understand my silent cries. This ungrateful girl.

As I turned my back on her to leave, that annoyingly clean white dress of hers caught my eye again. She didn’t deserve it, that girl of such a filthy character. Without a second thought, I took it and put it on. Now I was the rich girl.

The morning sun shone on me and my new white dress gleamed. I was pretty now; me and the pretty white dress – I was a princess. The dress was mine. It was never hers – it was too beautiful for someone so ugly inside. I should’ve listened when they spat insults at the white nigger.

The magic of music

Today's a winding road that's taken me to places that I didn't want to go

I saw just you and me in the little dark room laughing

and then you put your arm around my waist, and I looked at you and you were smiling at me with a certain spark in your eyes

And then you stopped smiling. With eyes wide and heart pounding - like mine - like little kids - you leaned a little closer. I closed my eyes.

I barely knew you, you almost-stranger, but now you were electricity, surging through every corner of my body, every vein and nerve and penetrating through the thick walls of my heart to reach the coldest, hate-filled corners. Your beautiful name was all I could think about, your beautiful name, resounding in my head; your breath was music. Love. I barely knew you but I loved you. I barely knew you but now we moved in perfect chemistry, rougher, harder, like how I needed it. I needed you. But with all the sweetness bursting out of me and filling the room came a little pang. And that sourness slowly grew with the kisses until it became a black liquid engulfing the honey, drowning me, and black tears poured out of my heart and out of my eyes as you held me tight.

"Stop, we can't go on"

and you looked at me trying to struggle, trying to look away, and you forced me to face you, for my gaze to meet yours. And I saw hurt and realisation, and you began to cry.

I wonder if you knew how much I felt your pain. And then your gaze turned from immense hurt to fear. And I heard a whimper as you ran out of the room, leaving me in engulfing darkness, leaving me to curl up in the cold. It wasn't this cold earlier on. You sucked the life and warmth out of me then.

There were trails of fire on my body where your arms once were, but now the fire was gone, leaving burn marks, cold holes, screaming for your touch once again.

"Don't even talk about the consequence 'cos right now you're the only thing that's making any sense to me"